Vulnerable Moments (2 of 2)

I am sad. It is the joyful end of an era. If I am honest with myself I never prepared for this moment because I was too afraid to hope for it. I didn't want to geek myself up just to be disappointed or worse have him be disappointed. So I just continued in life trying to adjust to the waves of change as they were thrown at me.

Well now it's neither here or there. He will be starting school next week and my house will be empty again. Except for me, I will still be here. Everyone else has a mission or a purpose but I will spend hours alone in solitary confinement.

Now it isn't all bad. I get to study the Word of God and just immerse myself in His presence un-interrupted. If I do have to go out the shopping is great during the day. All of the vendors are fresh and friendly and the shelves are stocked. There are definitely perks to being at home.

Still I must confront and conquer my fear of the unknown or asking GOD what is next. I might be a little bit traumatized from the rush of the last 12 months. I need to be able to hope without worry or plan, prayerfully, carefully for positive events..such as family vacation. Yes we can do that now. I do admit Sunday before last I tried to put together a family vacation with my Aunt and I had a panic attack. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. I was angry at the onslaught of emotions and I couldn't gain control nor could I explain why I was feeling the way I was.

What a contradiction. I should be feeling free and light as the wind. Full of the wonder and hope of a healthy future. But I am not.

I am broken and need to lay before the King because I have lost my fire. I don't want to move forward and I can't go backward. I just need to be naked and vulnerable before my Lord and allow Him to reveal my issues to me and heal me. I know He can. There is nothing impossible for Him. He is Mighty enough to handle my hurt and not condemn me for it.

Being brave doesn't mean you don't weep; it doesn't mean you don't feel your weakness; nor does it mean you are not afraid. But He said be strong and of good courage, I am the Lord Thy God and I am with thee...(Joshua 1) I am on my way to speak to the King..to be open and unashamed of my human frailty. To mourn openly and express my need for Him.

-Souljourner