Vulnerable Moments (1 of 2)

Life is full of contradictions. Like when you tell your child to be brave when they are about to receive an immunization of some sort. The needle must look so incredibly intimidating and the smell of the alcohol wipe must be nauseating as it foretells the short arrival of pain. But yet we hold them and talk with them trying to distract or entertain, yet it is usually to no avail. Once they see that needle all bets are off. First the deal making, (if they are old enough to reason), then the pleading, followed next by the crying and finally the screaming. I promise you I don't know who suffers the most in 2 minutes..the kids or me. Because I am sweating from trying to hold them and so does my wallet; afterwards I usually treat them to some type of positive reinforcement. Ice-cream or chicken nuggets works wonders.

It doesn't erase the memory of the event or the residual stinging that follows the shot but it does tell them more than words that hey, I am sorry you had to go through that and no matter how much I try to sell it you are not going to buy it. Just trust me this will protect you later and hence is good for you.

Well I need an ice-cream. Its been 10 long years on this journey of uncertainty called Nathan and we are in a new chapter. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks almost to the day that we had a successful kidney transplant. And he is doing phenomenal! Just amazing what the body can do. I mean all of his other functions that were affected by the impaired kidneys are starting to straighten up and fly right. One would think I am overwhelmed by joy and warm fuzzy feelings.

Trust me when I say I thank GOD for what He has done. Every day I am amazed just a little bit more. But honestly...I am road weary. I feel empty. I have no direction. I am having trouble adjusting and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. His disease drove me..I learned all I could learn. I jumped into training. I made the whole house eat like he could eat. All I ever thought about was making sure that I was acutely aware of all of his needs. From dietary to fluid intake to sleep. I drove myself to excel at work, when I was able, then school because that would equal higher pay. But now he is in his last year of elementary school. He is fiercely independent. He has a new kidney so he can eat almost whatever he wants to. I don't want to cripple him so I let him go. He needs to explore, experiment, meet new people, form new relationships and own as much as he can of his self-care.

Here I am standing alone. My arms are empty. The pieces of what I thought was my future still crumble underneath my steps. So now what?

-Souljourner