It Just Is

So the other week starts off with its normal Monday morning fury. Nate has clinic visits downtown, Myles has to get to school and Mr. Howard off to work. I thought I was going to have a pretty quiet week and was looking forward to some serious down time.

Of course that didn't happen and in the immortal words of C.Brown "Good Grief" was about all I could muster. Let me quickly chronicle my week for you:

• Monday: Downtown Clinic visit (wellness checkup) for Nathan
• Van inadvertently gets parked thru valet service with Nathan still in the back seat
• Panic sets in 
• All ends well Praise GOD
• I need a nap (smile)
• Tuesday: Myles has a eligibility meeting of some sort
• Performance scores are reviewed
• Deficits are discussed
• Guess what he is still autistic....whoodathunkit?
• Nathan has accident at school
• I did manage to get an oil change 
• squeezed lunch in for myself around 1 or so
• Wednesday: QuickBooks Training for volunteer work 
• Totally forgot about it
• Still didn't have a nurse in place for Nate
• Ubber late because of construction
• Training was all day 
• Great coffee
• Met a new friend
• Thursday: 2nd day of training
• My sweet neighbor and I got our wires crossed so Myles was outside roaming around for 40+ minutes waiting for me to get home
• He was safe
• Felt like a really bad Mommy
• Friday: I don't remember

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing was on your calendar but all of a sudden you have no time. It just drains you...know what I mean? Anyhoot, out of all of those days I will say that Tuesday was the most challenging.  

For those of you who don't know Myles, our eldest son, is autistic. He was diagnosed around 3 years old. With that said every few years or so he must be evaluated to make sure he still meets the criteria to receive special services. The process is pretty straight forward but it isn't painless. Any parent of an exceptional ed kid knows these meetings can be open any old wounds that never really seem to close. 

Tuesday was no exception. As I sat and listened to different tests, evaluations and observations that were performed my breathing became very measured and deliberate. I was close to my breaking point; and once the overview of his performance was discussed, in detail, for every section...well let's just say I tried not to talk and needed a couple of tissues. The freshness of my emotions still amaze me and quite honestly I don't really know how to deal with it. On one hand I am confused as to why I still feel the way I do. The other..frustration because there is really no one I can be mad it. Autism is a formless entity. I can't throw anything at it..can't pray it away and can't ignore it. 

Reader,  please understand that I didn't disagree with anything that was discussed in our meeting. I am an educator and found the results to be in line with where he is developmentally. Myles is a bright boy, mild mannered and easy to get along with. He has learned what his triggers and sensitivities are and he compensates for them. He speaks when he feels its necessary and all participates with his peers. He likes being around people but has no issues with asking for quiet time. 

None of that was reflected in his diagnostic summaries. No matter how the panel tried to highlight all of Myles's strengths and progress...I couldn't help but feel some kinda way about the whole thing. Am I still angry at autism. Yes. Am I mad at the limitations this condition has placed on my son. Yes. Am I still trying to grapple with what this means for his future. Yes. Am I still trying to not hold on to my expectations? Yes. Does my heart bleed for my son...Yes.

Our world can sometimes be cruel and complexed and no matter how I see him, (and others like him), everyone will not see what I do. Some are even so low bred that they would seek to take advantage, harm or perform a disservice against him. I know I won't always be around to protect him and guide him. I know that he will always need some compassion and patience.

I want to live as long as he lives...all of them for that matter;but I force myself to repeat what GOD says about the future..that is His secret place and I am not to try and mettle with it. Nothing more nothing less.

As for my pain. It just is. He (GOD) never promised my life would be without it; however He did promise never to leave me or forsake me. And that my friend helps me to operate in it.

-Souljourner