One of Many Uses

There are so many things one sees in unconventional situations. Take our hospital stays and visits for example. I would have never met the beautiful people that I did. I wouldn't be able to witness the healing power of God. Or hear the whisper of love that transcended race and religious preferences so I could comfort a new mother who was just beginning her journey with a critically ill child.

I wouldn't be able to sympathize or hold her while she allowed herself to be vulnerable..to a total stranger no less. I wouldn't be able to share that there is hope and you must live for it. I wouldn't have been able to whisper GOD's name as she passed by me in her wheel chair to fresh from birth to walk. Holding her promise, he was beautiful by the way, wide eyed so overwhelmed with the fierceness of now. I have been there...

Hours on end I would spend at his bedside in the unit and wonder when I would be on the other side. I wouldn't accept the prognosis that he probably wouldn't make it. Not my son..He will live. Not because I willed it but because The Most High declared it. I know what is in front of those moms.

The uncertainty. The fear. The intimidation. But still they, we go on. We have to regardless of the outcome. We can't quit.

Fast-forward we are almost 5 weeks post transplant. I still can't believe how quickly things have progressed. How Nathan's life has changed yet again. How my life and the lives of his siblings have changed.  I must admit that my adjustment has been slow. I am resistant to change...it frightens me.

This ride has been terrifying..a double nephrectomy, (2) catheter replacements and a kidney transplant. All since March of this year. Terrifying is no exaggeration. Just the thought of transplant would induce a mild panic attack. I don't know if it was because I had no control or I just didn't want him operated on again.

Still I see in my mind's eye a time that has passed. A mom standing alone by a crib..to proud to cry because it would extend too much energy. She must maintain all she can for the little one. I remember feeling so stretched I thought I would break..other things, (the home, sister and brother, husband), needed my attention. "I just can't ", I would cry out to the Lord, but I did..only because of His strength.

I am still trying to get my bearings. I am still wondering when my courage will return. But then Myles comes and hugs me and ask 'so how was your day' and I hear him and his brother laugh during their chipmunk chatter. I know I will get better. I just have to allow myself to be right now.

After all I am only human. So are we all.

Regards,

Souljourner