A note on Life

Sometimes life is just that bad. Sometimes you may want to forget your name. Sometimes you may just want to give in. Anything for peace. Anything to stop your pain.

But growth and promotion will not occur on it's own. If you push through it, you will be better for it. I promise..but the tears. No, I can't stop those. Why would I? They are proof of your payment. They are commissioned for your cause.

They offer clarity and sweet release. They make you breathe. They make you remember how much of a Victor you are.

-sj

Wisdom Pearl #34

We can't always choose what's been done, but we can choose what we will carry..

-sj

Honesty

You may never forgive me

You may never allow me to inhabit your space

You may never talk to me again

Or want to see my face

The burden is no longer mine to carry

It is yours alone to bare

Not because I leave you

Not because I don't want to reconcile

But because you choose to hold the hate

You have learned to thrive in your anger

Like crack to an addict, you will not be parted

I will not feed your fire

I will not be a target for your pain

I have apologized

I have wept for you

I can't return what I have taken

I have no regrets only choices that have been forgiven

Do what you will

Live as you must

Happiness, if you remember comes with freedom

You are always welcomed by it

-sj

Perspective

Guilt is no longer my partner

Fear no longer my bed

Regret can't share my morning coffee

These demons I no longer dread

My Morning has come

My Blessing from David has arrived

I'm full of His Hope

His light sparkles in my tears

His Peace is my strength

His Joy compels me to keep going

His Love wraps me up...so much that I forget where I am

Hurricanes look much calmer when you are inside looking out

-sj

It's all in the details

The little one and I were talking one day. I don't really remember what about exactly but somehow or another the conversation went back to the events of 2014.

Over that year he had 5 surgeries and countless procedures..it was a year of fear and uncertainty but GOD in His Grace brought us through it. Sometimes, because of his autism, I really don't know how much he (Nate) is absorbing, how much he is remembering, what exactly is he feeling or what he takes away from the experience. As I have mentioned in earlier postings, Nathan speaks like Yoda in 3rd person and every thing falls into two categories: now or yesterday. Thankfully over the years I have learned to speak Howardeze and can decipher what he says most of the time.

I really wish I could remember the exact circumstances but sadly, I can't. What I do remember I hope will stick with me for the rest of my days. I believe we were in our apartment and I was doing mother-stuff and he mentioned "oh like God". I replied yes and didn't give it anymore thought. A few moments later he said "like talk to God", now he had my attention. I stopped what I was doing and looked at his face and asked him, "Nathan...have you heard God?". "Why, yes in here", he was pointing to his head.

In another unrelated, well I guess it is, event he was in the hospital in January 2015. After we had made our entrance through the emergency room and had gotten settled into our 7th floor accommodations. He politely turned over to me and said "its okay mom, you can leave now". To which I replied "no I am not leaving, I can't leave you all alone". "Mom, God's here I am not alone". "I know baby, but momma won't be able to sleep if I go, so I am staying".

And yet still there is one more incident I would like to share before I submit to you a summation. It is now February 2015 and the kids have been out due to inclement weather 3 days in a row. I wasn't really concerned one way or the other because the previous Sunday Nathan and I had paid a visit to our emergency room friends because he had blood in his urine. Thankfully this time he was not admitted. I was relieved, grateful, and very, very tired. As the days passed I thought it would be a great time to catch up on our bible lessons. Specifically the wonderful stories that make up the Old Testament. After we talked about our subject I usually had some type of visual aid..like a movie or cartoon for reinforcement. Our current story was about Moses so we watched the Prince of Egypt. They were amazed at the portrayal of baby Moses traveling in a reed basket down the Nile. They were shocked at the cruelty of Pharaoh ordering the murder of all the Hebrew male infants.
Sidenote ..if Pharaoh had hung around a few more years he could have just called it a woman's choice and it would have been more acceptable. Choice sounds much better than genocide but I digress. This was a different set of circumstances and a different generation who appreciated life.

Anyhoot the movie continued. I was explaining different points along the way but when we got to the part where Moses met God...I was the one being taught. There Moses was confronted by the burning bush (just an awesome phenomenon)! He was talking with the spirit of the The Living God. So caught up in the moment was I that I almost missed Nathan saying "Oh that's GOD". "Yes, dear it is", "just like when I went into operation, remember". I stopped and looked at him not even really hearing the movie anymore. You've seen God? I cautiously asked "yes like that, like when I went in operation".

I left the room. Not sure what to make of what I just heard. Then I decided it wasn't for me to understand the details. Just to take comfort that he knows The Lord and The Lord knows him. I don't know what him and God talked about when he entered into the operating room. I don't know how his angels surrounded and ministered to him while he was receiving his new kidney. I don't know how God whispered PEACE unto his spirit as he went through so many terrifying trials. I don't know. And it's okay.

Amazing, just simply amazing. Our God is an awesome God, He reigns in Heaven and in Earth. But he takes the time, the mightiest of all Kings..the Creator of the Universe, to speak to a child. To assure His most precious that He is with Him...Always.

I hope you will look for God in your everyday. Not just your challenges and trials but in your peaceful moments. In your uneventful times. When all is quiet in your world. You might just discover that God is closer to you than you think. He is forever concerned with everything concerning you. He knows how many hairs you have on your head. How many days He has fashioned for you. Yes God is all about the details.

Make it a point to be amazed, to get lost in the spirit of wonderment. To fall recklessly into His arms. To be amazed at all that is God.

-Sj

Spoken without Words

As I walk thru my hallway

I feel warm as soup just spooned from the pot

As I go about my chores, setting up the house for the day

There creeps a smile out the corner of my lips

I fix my coffee

The smell of breakfast fills the air

Little arms wind about my waist

Thankfulness pours over me, bathing my soul in its peaceful beauty

This is where I belong

I am happy in my role

I am confident You know my name

Grateful are my thoughts towards You

-sj

Re-Discover

It still is wonderful to wake up and see you smile!

I still love our conversations no matter the duration..

It is wonderful to feel your breath

I still get lost in your embrace

It is so refreshing to see us laugh

At ourselves..for no apparent reason

Everyday you look more and more welcoming

I am glad I accepted your offer

Many, Many years ago

I still smile when I hear your keys hit the door

I love understanding us and where we are

I love you

I love ours

I am happy about the days gone past

But I am content in the here and now

I trust the time to come

As long as you are with me

-sj

Real Love

love is beautiful

when not restricted

love is honorable

when enjoyed responsibly

love is succulent

when it is earned

love is amazing

when it is shared thoughtfully

love last

when it was built on a foundation

love keeps discovering

when it walks together

love doesn't demand

its always given

-sj

Worth A Pause

If he is not good enough to be your King

Then don't let him into your castle

If you can't be his Queen

Then be nothing of his at all

If you can't honor the act of love you committed

Then don't dishonor it by eliminating  pieces of a generation

If you think or know you would make this choice

What love with this man do you have?

Love is patient

Love is kind

It isn't self serving

It isn't greedy

It isn't fickle in its mind

Have you thought about just waiting?

That produces no harm or foul

You already know he isn't for you

so why settle?

Why try to fit in

Why try to be everything to him

When he is not your King

& You are not his Queen?

-sj

Real Talk

I know you are grown

I know you are sassy enough to do you

But let me pose a couple of questions

To make you think about a thing or two

If your circumstances are not desirable

Do you have anyone to blame but yourself?

I mean you are grown enough to handle the choice

So be woman enough to accept the consequence

Did it keep him in your bed? Is that the only place you wanted him to be?

Maybe you shouldn't have let him in your head

After all the devil didn't commit the act

He just planted the thought

What do you mean, I am one to talk?

If I have suffered I have shared it with you

If I have erred I lived it in front of you

Wisdom is always bought

But I thought the shame was worth the price

If it kept you following my advice

But I am here and he is not

Wow you have gotten yourself in a tight spot

All I am asking is that when this turn comes around again

In a different suit, maybe a crooked smile

Or smooth brown skin

Think about what you are grown enough to do

And make the right choices at the beginning

To have a guilt free, non self -destroying ending

Half of that was you.....

-sj

Choice Is!

Choice is

Saying no even when you want to say yes!

Choice is

Making him show truth to commitment

Choice is

Knowing you are the best

And waiting for your best

Choice is

Not free of pain or disappointment

Not easy

But when you see his smile

As you walk down the aisle

You will know that

It was worth it!

And later when those early days have passed

You will be able to share with your daughter

How she is choice and it is always hers


-sj

Just A Chat

One day my daughter called and started sharing her day with me, which is not unusual. It seems like since she has went away to school we have become closer. We talk more and fight less. I value her opinion, I look forward her laughter and her cheekiness.

As the conversation continued it started to morph from a 21 year old super genius talking to her mom, to more of one full of deep thought and concern for her future. I listened a little more intently because I knew this was as close to "mom I need your advice" as I was going to get and I wanted to savor every moment.

"There's this boy", oh now we come to it I thought, "who is smart, handsome and is studying in my field", "uh hum". She continued "he never really paid attention to me before, but today I said hello, he said hello and started to walk away but then he turned and just stared and smiled." " At first I thought awkward, but then I smiled and we just kinda looked at each other. I knew I was blushing and he went his way and I went mine, but MOM I was totally shocked and was like..I wonder if he wants to hang out because I do". I knew she was smiling through the phone. Cautiously I asked her if this meant she would consider dumping her current interest, (which I would not be mad about at all), to maybe pursue the possibilities with this young man. She replied in a heart beat.


We finished our chat with a little mom-vice;

• If you already know that a replacement is desirable then why stay when you want to go? 
• If you are not sure if you have traded up, and in the world of dating you always trade up, then it is best to cut your losses and move on.
• Why go against the grain? If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck then it's a duck. Ducks no matter how high they fly can't soar with an eagle.
• Friendship sets the base for a strong romance. Commonality sparks the possibilities of a friendship. If you have nothing in common in the beginning you wont later. 
• If you can't see the edges of your decisions like the shore to the ocean then it's best to wait and not act.
• If you don't believe you are priceless, he won't either.

Like I said I enjoy our talks as she matures and grows in the wisdom God has given her. However, I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good to still be needed. Even if she is an adult.

-sj

Soap Box

Can I just be real for a moment? Thank you in advance.

I am so sick of those who seek to destroy or demean the bond between Husband & Wife. I am speaking specifically of those in the world of entertainment and their followers. And to those who throw around marriage partners like I recycle plastic..constantly.

Marriage is a sacred bond that should not be entered lightly. It is a contractual agreement between a man and a woman taken out before GOD and a host of witnesses. Children are to be brought into the world from this structure and taught how to be responsible and loving citizens. I am not downing you if you are a single parent, I was for many years. I am just stating the structure intended.

Sex is one of the many benefits of entering into this union. It is not something to be publicized, or characterized by anyone other than the two people who are lovingly involved in the act. It is not for those underage, single or those who claim to have an "open" marriage. If you have an open marriage then you are just dating and having casual sex with the benefits of a steady. That is cheapening the institution and cheating all of those who are involved.

So far we have allowed sex to be -a do what you want to who you want- type of deal; and we deal with the consequences by mandating legal abortion, divorce without conscience and marriage without definitions. How is that working out for us America? It isn't. What we call freedom is leaving a trail of immorality for our children. Nothing of substance to follow but a how to on destroying themselves. We are not teaching them how to live above their lower nature. We are giving them passes to experiment with their bodies when they are not old enough to understand the consequences of their actions. Or able to make an intelligent choice about a "preference".

Our bodies are beautiful! We need to encourage people to value themselves. We need to teach the benefits of being abstinent. Not have a discussion on whether or not a woman has the right to Murder, i'm sorry chose to abort a 20+ week fetus. REALLY? It's a baby for crying out loud and you are literally ripping it in two because you chose not to use effective birth control in the first place. How is that helping you? How is that really a choice? And will it help you to make healthier decisions moving forward? I digress.

Where are the Women's rights groups? I didn't hear about them all up in arms over the Naked & Afraid show on Discovery. Or what about the stupid premise of Sex in the Box. Oh Come On!!! Enough is enough we better put the brakes on now. Don't want to? No regulation you say..okay let's ask the Romans. Oh that's right they are not around...DUH

So what happens when the generations of selfish, self-centered, no sense of responsibility or accountability folks are over us? We will age. We will be senior citizens one day; we will need care. But will we get what we deserve? Or maybe we will and it will be coined a mercy killing. After all we didn't teach them how to take care of anyone but themselves. We didn't encourage them to embrace the words 'in moderation'. We didn't instill in them a sense of caring for their fellow man. We didn't teach them the mandates of righteous living and the benefits of following God's way.

But I guess as long as they have a 'choice' in the matter then it's okay to walk in foolishness.

Lord have Mercy on Us All..
-sj

Badge of Honor

Do you know how strong you are?

On your back you carry me

your children

our future

Do you know what you leave?

Expectancy

Security

Trust

and Dependency

Do you know why I follow?

You are humble

You thirst after The All Mighty

All that you are is in Him

His love radiates from you

His warmth draws me to you

His kindness is emulated by you

Son of Adam

Child of righteousness

Follower of  David

Lover of the Bright & Morning Star

Your name I proudly display

-sj

What Our Love Is

Your arms are strong

better to hold me

your embrace is warm

better to strengthen me

your eyes dance around me so softly

better when I need transparency

your lips are soft

better for when tender is the calling

your lead is solid

better to allow me to serve

your love is not shared

better to allow me to be secure

Thank you for being you

because you allow me to be me

-sj

Untitled

Should you expect Respect

when your backside shows all your glory

given to those who are unworthy

while being undervalued by self

Should you expect anything less

What you put out is what you get back

it is the law of nature

Stop living substandard

expect above the standard

and wait for the GOD-standard

to penetrate and reinstate

you are redeemed

you are forgiven

let your life reflect

the knowledge you have been given

-sj

Moment, Thy Name is Candid

My husband and I were talking just last night. The house was winding down for the evening. Dinner had been served, homework was done and the kids had finished their nightly shower. In the bed they had scurried but we knew they were far from sleeping. We heard them go back and forth in their own language...reciting their favorite cartoons, laughing and playing.

I was in the kitchen putting food away and washing dishes and a thought occurred to me. What if we could travel back in time. To the moment when we (Anthony & I), first met? Knowing everything we know now. Would we still move forward in our relationship or would we turn with a nod and walk away? So of course being the natural female I am, (meaning I am always curious), I posed the question to my beloved. His answer I have recorded for you below:

Actually Hun yes I would do it again. Even if I could go back 20+ years..I have no regrets. I love those boys, I love Pooh, I love all of my children. Yes it is hard being parents to two autistic boys, but they are my boys. Sometimes I wish they were normal but then immediately I am glad they are not. They are who they are. They are honest and sometimes a little raw but they make no apologies for it and why should they have to?

Yes it's been hard watching Nate go thru all that he has had to go thru. In and out of the hospital. Constantly at the doctors office. But it was all worth it. Because the of the joy! I love my joy sometimes it is in the kids laughter. Sometimes it is in the comfort of being able to be home. Sometimes it is in the recovery of that boy. But no matter how it comes or when it is worth it to have. For that reason alone I would do it again. 

The next reason is for you. I can't imagine my life without you. Your smile, your laughter, the way you do what you do. I don't like the things we have to get thru sometimes but I am glad to have you to get thru it with.

At that moment I was so very happy I accepted his proposal those 15+ years ago. I too am thankful to have Anthony on this journey. He is he which allows me to be me. As I returned to my chores  I quietly thanked God for giving me what I needed. Not what I wanted.

-Sj

A Thankful Moment

Dear Lord,

Thank you

For all that you have done and are doing and going to do

For Your Word which is my strength, my light and my guide

For Your Presence full of love and peace

For Your Gifts of salvation, redemption & restoration

I now know that I can't go to far or

Stray to long

Without feeling your call upon me

Thank you for loving me up to this point of submission

And grateful recognition

Of Your Mercy and Grace

Which sustains me

-Sj