THE DAY OF TROUBLE: Reflection

Many of us have thought of like the worst case scenario of any given situation, right? I'm sure I'm not alone when I think of well, if it works out like this then that would be the best case scenario, but if it works out like that, well you get my point.

Family, I have been absent for a while, and that usually comes with some reflection, presentation of challenge or challenges, frame of thought and a soon blessing. This entry is no different! I will catalog from August of 24 till March of 25 all that has happened. I love to share the good the bad and the ugly, because that is what keeps us honest, makes us stronger and more resilient and, in my opinion, more relatable. 

Ready? Let's begin.

Reflection of  Recent events (Time Line)

August - Phoenix Arizona (Bucket List Item Fufilled) Wonderful, refreshing visit with my sisters. Full of reconnection and much needed relationship re-establishment on our terms. 

September - Back to the Grind *Not feeling myself / School year has started, yet I don't see myself completing the year. Hmmm, "What's Going on Lord"? Child I need you to trust me, I'm doing something new.

October -  It is now apparent I'm not myself. Drug like fatigue sets in daily/Anthony caught the super flu or whatever, and was down for 3 weeks. Once on the mend he concluded he needed to get out of the brutal field of apartment maintenance./3 year old van was finally looking to be paid off and it bit the dust, so that meant additional debt to go with less income. The Lord was impressing upon me to trust Him as He was doing a New Thing! (Isaiah 43:19); However, it will be long and it will be hard on you. I responded with my usual flair "Aww Man, really Lord??" Life was like good, except for the nagging fatigue. 

November- Anthony officially retired and started canvasing for work, hadn't had to fill out an application in years. Finally settled on 2 part-time positions as a temporary fix while he adjusted to being out of the maintenance field (20 years). Then "IT" appeared. Early one morning, because your bladder gets younger while you get older, I felt a stabbing pain. I investigated it and dismissed what I thought it was. I verified it the next day and with the urging of my husband and reluctantly,  I moved to the next step which involved contacting the necessary professionals. Then the holidays were upon us and I moved on with the "IT" shadowing every thought. It didn't stop me from having  a great old fashioned thanksgiving for the family! This is the only holiday were nothing but traditional soul food is cooked! Scales are hidden until January, its worth every calorie.

December - Began with wrestling with my first adult Christmas, no more Black Friday sales or things to put together, well almost, and I was feeling the pull of the past when the kids would get up and tear through presents and we watched movies and played with new stuff! With time comes change, nothing in our world stays the same for long. Kind of an understatement but true. By the 2nd of December I found myself at an imaging appointment. I arrived late, dreading the outcome. I entered and because I was fashionably late I was told I would have to reschedule. I had missed my necessary prep time. I was already feeling some type of way and begrudgingly waited for the schedular who was much nicer than the front desk receptionist. As I am pouting and tearing up, mad at myself for being so afraid, mad at the lack of compassion when I entered, here comes the most cheerful schedular! She is bubbly, pinched red cheeks, brown hair, and a beautiful smile! She saw my look of desperation behind my mask of annoyance and said, let me go talk to the back, you were not that late. GOD'S PROVIDENCE had showed up. Reader, if you are not familiar with the Providence of God, I would invite you to familiarize yourself with it. Whether you are a Christian or practice some other type of religion. Its worth the read. Follow the Links: The Providence of God / Study -PDF /Definition of the Providence of God . 

Moving on, the schedular ushered me into the back and I was hurried into a room with lockers, instructed to put on a robe and wait my turn. In those waiting room moments, I was determined to look for an opportunity to be a joyful witness for Christ, despite wanting to bust out in tears. I knew something was wrong with me and had been for several months. Today might be the day that God answers the question I asked back in September & October, "Lord, what are you up to?" The first examination went well, I supposed. I was no worse for the wear, nor any more enlightened as to why the Lord had me at this place. What was about to be revealed I wonder? Clearly, I would have some more insight on this challenged my beloved Jesus has set before me. "Mrs. Howard", the tech snapped me out of my thoughts and lovely conversation I had struck up with 2 other participants (unwilling, I'm sure) of the waiting room. I smiled politely, bid the ladies happy holidays and followed the tech. She was a woman of color, probably not to far from my age, so I knew we had some commonalities we could share. She set up her ultrasound we had meaningful small talk and then the examination began. She placed the wand under my right breast, after verifying where the "IT" was and squared up with the lump, which by now had grown tender to the touch. When I saw the screen, it took my breath away and immediately started tearing up...I knew what it was. That beastly shadow, ominously showed its ugly head. I knew before anything was confirmed it was Breast Cancer. I had to swallow hard the lump in my throat. I was sick, feeling cold, and calling out on Jesus in my head. The tech politely excused herself, followed her protocol, and after a few pictures, and re-emerged with the doctor. An elderly gentleman, who told me I would need a biopsy because he couldn't tell me enough about what he saw. I thought to my self, you don't have to. I know what it is. I left the imaging center feeling exposed, knowing I needed to call Anthony, but not before I got myself together. As women do, I called my girlfriend who was in closest proximity to me and asked her could I come over. Of course she wasn't at home and was with her husband, but they agreed to meet me at the nearest Starbucks. We arrived, kind of around the same time, ordered and I broke clean down. I told them about my morning, what had been found, what I suspected and how am I going to tell Anthony? Christmas music played all around me, the decor of the season shined so bright, it was December 4th and I knew my life was about to be very different. Fast forward my girlfriend's husband offered to call Anthony, I told him no, but thank you. This he needed to hear from me.  Later, that night as we recapped our day, I explained what had happened and the results were inconclusive and I would need a biopsy. He said okay, just tell me when and I will be there. The best piece of advise I had received from Joe Reap (my girlfriends husband) was "don't live in the future, live for today, tomorrow will be there, but you live in the now". Thank you Joe for the coffee and the prayer and the vulnerability you allowed me to show. Biopsy was the day after Christmas, then I got the flu and now I'm in January..

January- Anthony and I show up, on time, for my biopsy. Technology sometime is the weirdest thing.. they take a gun that has like a bazillion needles that grab tissue samples while you watch. WOW, I was terrified and fascinated at the same time. The technician was gritty and amazing! I don't think that woman could lie if her life depended on it. Enter the head of radiology in the cancer unit (I think) and she looked like Wonder Woman (Linda Carter's) grand daughter! Bright blue eyes, raven colored hair, what? Reader, I respect a woman of position and authority who doesn't sacrifice her femininity! She is solid in who she is and doesn't need to act like she is one of the boys! She was beautiful with her high heel boots and deep pink blouse and long black skirt! Go Queen! Again, pleasantries were exchanged, we laughed and I was very entertained by her and the tech, who had been working together for 12 years (I think), they talked about each others kids, family, holiday plans like work bff's. The examine was painful, very uncomfortable and the gun sounded like a pop-gun from back in the day. She bandaged me up, went to her work table, followed by the tech. About 10 minutes later she came back and held my hand. My tears were flowing like a broken dam. She explained she didn't like the results and is in the process of assembling my team, so give her a few minutes. The tech replaced her and talked about the people she was getting on board and how good they were with their bedside manner. I could hear the doctor calling people on their cell phone asking when were they going to be available because she needed them to take my case. Tuesday. Wow, I would have to wait till next Tuesday, but it was okay, it would give me time to pray on how to talk to my family, to talk with Anthony. Tuesday was cool and like that I was getting dressed and out to meet Anthony in the waiting room. He was not waiting until we got to the car. "Well, your all done, what did they say?", he questioned in that deep baritone voice of his, I replied, "hunny, they are 99% positive its breast cancer, but we will have to wait till Tuesday to find out the official results, because the surgeon will be available." His eyes glassed over, he stared at me, I assured him we will get through this. The drive home was like weird. Reminded me of when our son Elan died. All of our hopes for our family, crushed in a single day, the future was uncertain, grief had yet to set in, and life wouldn't allow you to wait. We held hands and went home. 

I got sick with the flu and was at urgent care the next day, Tamiflu on board and spent from Thursday till Tuesday in the bed. Tuesday was the day of confirmation. "I'm sorry to tell you this Mrs. Howard but you have an aggressive form of breast cancer. Can I pray for you?". The attending physician's words sang to my soul, YES I exclaimed!! please do! Reader, again if you have not at least read the definition of the providence of God go back and do so! At that moment I was relieved at this simple confirmation: Daughter, I have this under my control, remember I said to trust me. I was like Yes, Lord I remember, and I also remember crying uncontrollably after you said that explaining that I didn't want to do this, but not my will but YOUR will be done!! 

Next, we met with the surgeon who explained her plan of treatment and scheduled my port to be installed. By Thursday, I was having surgery and a couple of weeks later my first chemo treatment started. WHEW! 

Reader, I will let you digest all that I have told you here with a quick wrap up. YAHWEH, the GOD of the Jewish people, whom I serve, knows everything. He was not caught by surprise. He is bigger than everything and doesn't waste our pain. If you don't know Him, well you will by the time I finish all of these entries. Then the choice is up to you whether or not to accept Him, by believing He is who he says He is and will do what He says He will. I will leave you with my one of my favorite verses, Romans 8:28 , why this one? It plainly spells out that as a follower of Jesus Christ, we are not immune from pain, disappointment, emotional hurt or devasting circumstances. It simply reminds us that our Father God is in control and has a point for what we are going thru. That He hasn't left us as an orphan with no provision or protection or plan of purpose. Until next time! 

Souljourner