A Day In My Life

I am sad. It is the joyful end of an era. If I am honest with myself I never prepared for this moment because I was too afraid to hope for it. I didn't want to geek myself up just to be disappointed or worse have him be disappointed. So I just continued in life trying to adjust to the waves of change as they were thrown at me. Well now it's neither here or there. He will be starting school next week and my house will be empty again. Except for me, I will still be here. Everyone else has a mission or a purpose but I will spend hours alone in solitary confinement. Now it isn't all bad. I get to study the Word of God and just immerse myself in His presence un-interrupted. If I do have to go out the shopping is great during the day. All of the vendors are fresh and friendly and the shelves are stocked. There are definitely perks to being at home. Still I must confront and conquer my fear of the unknown or asking GOD what is next. I might be a little bit traumatized from t...

Life is full of contradictions. Like when you tell your child to be brave when they are about to receive an immunization of some sort. The needle must look so incredibly intimidating and the smell of the alcohol wipe must be nauseating as it foretells the short arrival of pain. But yet we hold them and talk with them trying to distract or entertain, yet it is usually to no avail. Once they see that needle all bets are off. First the deal making, (if they are old enough to reason), then the pleading, followed next by the crying and finally the screaming. I promise you I don't know who suffers the most in 2 minutes..the kids or me. Because I am sweating from trying to hold them and so does my wallet; afterwards I usually treat them to some type of positive reinforcement. Ice-cream or chicken nuggets works wonders. It doesn't erase the memory of the event or the residual stinging that follows the shot but it does tell them more than words that hey, I am sorry you had to go throu...

A time to mourn Weird isn't it this is the time to celebrate Winter is here with it is the end of all things current its the end that I mourn so long this has been my way its comfortable predictable as a sea change was the only constant sometimes pain was my closest friend but its what I knew I owned it It was mine the hurt fueled me it didn't yield but neither did I now..what? I have lost my fight it was silenced with change I don't know what to do how to act where to find fuel for my fire On I must go searching for a new reason but I am weak beginning again the thought stirs panic a habitation of fear now you understand why I mourn it's a herald of change

There are so many things one sees in unconventional situations. Take our hospital stays and visits for example. I would have never met the beautiful people that I did. I wouldn't be able to witness the healing power of God. Or hear the whisper of love that transcended race and religious preferences so I could comfort a new mother who was just beginning her journey with a critically ill child. I wouldn't be able to sympathize or hold her while she allowed herself to be vulnerable..to a total stranger no less. I wouldn't be able to share that there is hope and you must live for it. I wouldn't have been able to whisper GOD's name as she passed by me in her wheel chair to fresh from birth to walk. Holding her promise, he was beautiful by the way, wide eyed so overwhelmed with the fierceness of now. I have been there... Hours on end I would spend at his bedside in the unit and wonder when I would be on the other side. I wouldn't accept the prognosis that he proba...

The wind, crisp and strong assaults my nostrils the leaves are so loud underneath my feet they insult the silence a break in the paleness of winter everything is gray no life no color stark, barren and beautiful smoke from nearby warms my soul re-affirms to me that I am alive my pace remains the same there is something beautiful about the sky this season of dormancy of rest of renewal hidden are its activities but the fruit of spring sing of its faithfulness it comforts me

I never wanted a mini-van. The suburbs never held my interest and I most certainly didn't want to be anyone's housewife. Stay-at-home mom???!! Really? I am educated...I hold several degrees. I have been in the workforce since I was 12 years old. But it means little to nothing when you look into the face of your child who is so very happy to see you waiting for him at the bus stop in the afternoon. Nor can you put a price on the security your husband feels knowing you are taking care of all of the intricate details required to run a home. He knows he can't do it...that is not where his strength is. This is not the life I hoped for by any means. But it is the one I have. I can choose to find beauty in the challenges of it or be crushed under the weight of disappointment. It doesn't change the fact that 2 of my 3 kids are autistic. Or that 2 of the 3 children have chronic medical conditions..one of them pretty severe. What does change, however, is my perspective. I...

Deep, slow and deliberate. Those are my breathes. I am almost counting them. Today is the day. Transplant is scheduled within a few hours. It is beyond me. I am trying to grasp the day. I am sitting in the garden on the roof of the hospital. I don't want to panic. I know I have no control... I am scared. I love my son. But You love him more. I would withhold what is best for him. Just to spare him from the immediate pain. He is in his room sleeping. I have sought You out before the rest of the world is awake. I need to hear You through the silence. I need to feel Your presence. I don't want to be here. My GOD, Yahweh, My GOD...My GOD Words scream in my head but my voice has no strength Is there any other way? Hold me, as only You can The sun rises beautifully. The colors are an awesome expression of Your Majesty The silence holds strength I don't want to walk through this day I don't want this day That is my fear roaring Be of...

Here I am.. Broken Weak Empty I have poured out all of my strength I have given till my last Now I have nothing But you say I do My hands are feeble Is my reply to Your promptings I don't want to move I can't go on from this place Yes, yes you can You whisper in my soul I feel Your kisses in the wind It surrounds me Envelops me Covers me I will never leave you or forsake you I remember Slowly I move towards You I am strengthen I am strengthen I feel Your warmth, once again

Good Morning Friends, It is morning for me but regardless of when you read this post...it's still good morning (smile). It's something about the first greeting of the day. It gives me grounding and fills me with the promise of a new day. It re-affirms for me that my Heavenly Father is still there waiting for me to greet Him and experience His love through out the day. That thought alone gives me courage to get up and face the unknowns of the time I have been given. If you are anything like me I love to pre-plan. Why? So I can know what to expect ...how to be prepared and honestly how avoid any unpleasantries. Thankfully GOD in His ultimate wisdom knows what is best for me is frequently the last thing I want. Really if I had foreknowledge then what would I need faith for? Why would I need to rely on Him? Why would I need to trust Him or even believe in Him? I would not. I would be my own god..completely backwards; living in a catch up mode. Have...