Politically Correct

Christmas is so awesome!

A time set aside to celebrate the the miraculous virgin birth of our Lord and Savior.

A time to for introspection

A time for appreciation

A time for admiration

No one else loved us the way Jesus Christ did/does

To take off His divine

And to put on humanity while still being GOD

It is a delicious mystery

One that entangles the mind

But releases it almost simultaneously

When His peace covers one's being

The Bible gives us an account of what happened

Faith believes it did

Not as an old wives tale but as truth because

He is GOD and we are not

I would rather put my faith in what GOD said He did

All in the name of Love

Than a fabled tale

Known to not be true

Flying Reindeer??? Really...

So even if you don't believe in God

Know that He is still GOD with or without you

And FYI He is God enough to handle your disbelief

With that said

If you don't want to acknowledge Christ in Christmas

That's to your discredit

But don't disrespect it

There is no Christmas without Christ

Period..

-Souljourner
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
PEACE ON EARTH
GOOD WILL TO ALL MEN

The Power of The 'Little'

Before you

I didn't know about a Tangeroo

Before you

I could have never loved a Myon

Before you

I didn't really know what strength was

Before you

I didn't know sound could hurt

Before you

I didn't know how much I missed little hugs

Or how delightful kissing little chunky feet could be

Before you

I thought I understood a great many things

Who knew airplane take-off was the best part of a trip

That calendars look better with purple circles on it

That cartoons could be so much fun

That the floor was for more than walking

It gives perspective

While letting one know where they fit in a room

Before you

I didn't know so much could be said

Without saying a thing

I admire you

I think you are the cat's meow

I love you

I am glad you are with me

Soon you will be taller than me

But I will always remember your 'little'

It's mine

My gift

-Souljourner

My Little Myles

Your eyes are so wide

Bright with joyful expectation

Your smile always shows a certain type of charm

Devilishly

delightful

The promise of manhood

Growing steadily by the day

No longer momma's little man

Pleasantly surprised I am

When your world becomes a little clearer

No longer are you my puzzle

I know you are different

And so do you

I think

Or maybe we are the different ones

I dunno

I just love your zest for life

Your earned contentment

I enjoy our conversations

Understanding is never the goal

Companionship and closeness

Is beautiful

No matter what you are or are not

You are mine

And I love you

With all that I am

-Souljourner

Sometimes

Sometimes

Because we forget

We figure the wound is healed

Sometimes

Our cellars are full of items marked "dealt with"

But really are still open

Sometimes

We get angry when we are so abruptly reminded

Of our pain

All of a sudden we are vulnerable

Open

Exposed

Sometimes

It gets harder to hide

feelings of frustration

Cracks on our shells

Strain under the weight

Sometimes

Pain is no longer a distant companion

But instead a constant friend

-Souljourner

It Just Is

So the other week starts off with its normal Monday morning fury. Nate has clinic visits downtown, Myles has to get to school and Mr. Howard off to work. I thought I was going to have a pretty quiet week and was looking forward to some serious down time.

Of course that didn't happen and in the immortal words of C.Brown "Good Grief" was about all I could muster. Let me quickly chronicle my week for you:

• Monday: Downtown Clinic visit (wellness checkup) for Nathan
• Van inadvertently gets parked thru valet service with Nathan still in the back seat
• Panic sets in 
• All ends well Praise GOD
• I need a nap (smile)
• Tuesday: Myles has a eligibility meeting of some sort
• Performance scores are reviewed
• Deficits are discussed
• Guess what he is still autistic....whoodathunkit?
• Nathan has accident at school
• I did manage to get an oil change 
• squeezed lunch in for myself around 1 or so
• Wednesday: QuickBooks Training for volunteer work 
• Totally forgot about it
• Still didn't have a nurse in place for Nate
• Ubber late because of construction
• Training was all day 
• Great coffee
• Met a new friend
• Thursday: 2nd day of training
• My sweet neighbor and I got our wires crossed so Myles was outside roaming around for 40+ minutes waiting for me to get home
• He was safe
• Felt like a really bad Mommy
• Friday: I don't remember

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing was on your calendar but all of a sudden you have no time. It just drains you...know what I mean? Anyhoot, out of all of those days I will say that Tuesday was the most challenging.  

For those of you who don't know Myles, our eldest son, is autistic. He was diagnosed around 3 years old. With that said every few years or so he must be evaluated to make sure he still meets the criteria to receive special services. The process is pretty straight forward but it isn't painless. Any parent of an exceptional ed kid knows these meetings can be open any old wounds that never really seem to close. 

Tuesday was no exception. As I sat and listened to different tests, evaluations and observations that were performed my breathing became very measured and deliberate. I was close to my breaking point; and once the overview of his performance was discussed, in detail, for every section...well let's just say I tried not to talk and needed a couple of tissues. The freshness of my emotions still amaze me and quite honestly I don't really know how to deal with it. On one hand I am confused as to why I still feel the way I do. The other..frustration because there is really no one I can be mad it. Autism is a formless entity. I can't throw anything at it..can't pray it away and can't ignore it. 

Reader,  please understand that I didn't disagree with anything that was discussed in our meeting. I am an educator and found the results to be in line with where he is developmentally. Myles is a bright boy, mild mannered and easy to get along with. He has learned what his triggers and sensitivities are and he compensates for them. He speaks when he feels its necessary and all participates with his peers. He likes being around people but has no issues with asking for quiet time. 

None of that was reflected in his diagnostic summaries. No matter how the panel tried to highlight all of Myles's strengths and progress...I couldn't help but feel some kinda way about the whole thing. Am I still angry at autism. Yes. Am I mad at the limitations this condition has placed on my son. Yes. Am I still trying to grapple with what this means for his future. Yes. Am I still trying to not hold on to my expectations? Yes. Does my heart bleed for my son...Yes.

Our world can sometimes be cruel and complexed and no matter how I see him, (and others like him), everyone will not see what I do. Some are even so low bred that they would seek to take advantage, harm or perform a disservice against him. I know I won't always be around to protect him and guide him. I know that he will always need some compassion and patience.

I want to live as long as he lives...all of them for that matter;but I force myself to repeat what GOD says about the future..that is His secret place and I am not to try and mettle with it. Nothing more nothing less.

As for my pain. It just is. He (GOD) never promised my life would be without it; however He did promise never to leave me or forsake me. And that my friend helps me to operate in it.

-Souljourner

Failsafe

As a mother my heart aches for his mom; because no matter what happened no matter the circumstances we never lose the hope of our child returning better than they were when they left.

Death quells that hope. As one who serves the Most High Jesus Christ I am saddened because one of lost sheep has been taken. There is no joy in any sinner dying without repentance. Do I know where Mr. Brown is spending his eternity? Absolutely not but I do know that God would desire that none would be lost.

I feel stripped when I look at a judicial system that can justify an excessive use of force as a means to an end.

I weep when I see the waves of fear, mistrust and panic that continues to plague the areas I call home.

I wonder is their any hope in this situation..my chest swells with doubt and defeat.

I wonder what type of life will the officer have when so many people are looking to see him destroyed? Unjustly I might add because if the Brown family is calling for peace than what right do you have to cause further disruption?

I am disappointed at the verdict but I am encouraged by another day the Good Lord has given me, you, us to repent and move forward.

Your knees are the best agents of change..for on them you submit yourself to the most Holy of all authorities. He gave you the gift of choice...

It (choice) is a powerful thing..how will you use it?

For good or For Ill?

-Souljourner

Now What?

Are you happy now?

Did you stealing that man's stuff

Or breaking into those people's business

Bring back the one you say you are avenging?

Was the wrong righted?

Was policy changed to prevent this from happening again moving forward?

Did you ask Traevon? Did you see Micheal?

Are they back?

No? Well that's too bad

But the truth is...they are not coming back, not this way again.

So what are you doing to make sure their are no more like so many

That have fallen?

What are you doing to educate, empower and inspire?

Yes, I hear you

I understand the hurt

But stealing, looting and tearing down

Do you want someone to do that to you?

No one has come in to destroy yours because you did

They are still on the rim

Waiting for your strength to run-out

They will go on with their lives

Confident in their jilted victory

Smiling at their tainted courts

Laughing at you because you don't understand their words

But again I ask you what are you going to do?

If their is nothing else left but a wretch of humanity

Then all of our work has been in vain as a community

But I am willing to bet their is more in you than what you allow to surface

Change starts with one

Be that one

-souljourner

NOTICE IS SERVED

Great job! Let me commend you..those who decided to pollute the air with their hate and ignorance

For those who decided to perfume the atmosphere with weed instead of clear thinking

For those who don't have enough foresight to even ask GOD for a vision for their lives

For those who will never own a house and will always be in lack because they choose to

Live behind everyone else

Then be angry

For those who do not take advantage of education

For those who decide that being an opportunist is more profitable than

a trade, a degree, a skill, some sense

For those who would rather use their hands to destroy

And their minds to make mayhem

For those who know every word to some degrading song

But can't recite the Pledge of Allegiance or even name the 50 states

For those who choose to operate in a cycle of poverty

anger and violence towards their fellow man many times their own neighbor

And still fix their mouth to call me their sister or someone else their brother

After you have destroyed the livelihood of those of of the same color

For those who seek justice by committing injustices

Consider this your notice....

You are free to leave

-Souljourner Howard
Citizen of Ferguson Missouri & The World

My Slice of The Pie

Thank you for tearing up your town...

I didn't like the way it looked anyway

-Sarcasm just in case it was lost upon you

Thank you for filling the air with

Uncertainty and fear

Because that is always more productive

Thank you for pushing all of the business out of the area

I enjoy spending more on gas and longer commutes

Thank you for hurting the working class

Your Aunts, Uncles, Moms and Dads

You are a Prodigal What do you care?

Thank you for pushing our folks, your folks

Friends and neighbors out of a community

on the verge of a COMEBACK

I didn't mind the property values dropping

Or the lack of tax revenue to fund the schools

The community pool or the upkeep of the parks

Thank you for a colossal waste of energy

That you presented on yesterday

Thank you for shaming the fight of civil rights

That so many have struggled for

Thank you for not participating in the process of anything

You didn't need your say to be heard

Thank you for showing your backside as a sign

of disrespect and lack of faith for the voting process

That so many people: Blacks, Women, Indians and more were denied

Hell you don't read a history book no way

Thank you for the great T.V. you provided the world

Showing your part in the circus

Thank you for adding credence to the argument that some have

That their color is supreme and should be once again

As it is their divine right to subjugate the world

Thank you for placing us all back to square 1

Lastly, let me thank you for showing me and the others

Who choose to live in an elevated status

That we do not have to stay there with you

-Souljourner Howard
The Burning of Americana, Ferguson Mo

Companion Thy Name is Choice

Consequences

Are an unruly bunch

They are never invited

yet they always show up

They linger too long

Sometimes they never leave

They are loud and boisterous

Always speaking for you

Always taking up space

They are like a shadow

Always with you wherever you go

They are always in the now

Because they are always in the present

No matter what is left behind

No matter how carefully covered is the trail

No matter how heartfelt the apology

Or how heavy the regret

They never let you forget

They attach ... like a leach

Clawing, biting, draining the life source

Always coloring your path

Going before you as a reminder

Scarlet is the letter

Forgiveness is not in their nature

Indifferent is choice

But a constant companion

-Sj

Smoke

Darkness warmer than chocolate

smoother than jersey on a sheet

tingling, spicy, tantalizing

Like a puff of cinnamon mixed with nutmeg

smelling so good one disregards how it burns to the touch

up into your brain the smoke, that is darkness, rises

Coiling around your spine

like the predator it is

embracing all of your being

No place is safe

not the head

that was the first to fall

Not the body

it is unruly like a spoiled child

not the emotions

They have been dulled

one only knows the sweet aroma of deception

the false security of manipulation

The illusion of control

the mask of addiction

Yes that is darkness

revealed, always true in its form

It's hold is as strong

As one's weakness is for the lie that compels that soul to keep breathing it in....

-Souljourner

Distractions

So..

Here you are

The fan's been hit

The trap has been sprung

Now what?

The fallout is more than you considered

If you considered it at all

Again I ask

Now What?

Where are all of the thems?

It doesn't matter how they were clothed

If they were male or female

If they were tall or short

Popular or not

They are not here

but their damage remained behind

Now what Eve?

Now what Adam?

Which way will you run...

To Him who can forgive and restore

or to him that maims, kills and destroys

but makes you think you like it...

he's deceitful that way

You choose

Its always been yours to do so

It's not to late....

-Souljourner

CONVERSATIONS

It never ceases to amaze me how the most profound thoughts come out of the most simplest of conversations. Take for example last night. My husband and I were in the bed waiting out the commercials being aired during a Friday night television show; the premise of which centers around the main character whose soul is damned and he runs around trying to atone for his mistakes. Of course in the interim he deals with nasty spirits, has conversations with demons and angles, and tries to keep hold of his sanity while dealing with the supernatural. So of course this would spark up a conversation. 

We are talking about how deep the show is because it tries to convey how we are in relationship with the spirit world. And how there are forces so vile that we can't comprehend them. It was just kinda freaky but fascinating. We are faith believing people and know that angles, demons and fallen angels do exist. That our world is on a plane that intertwines with the spirit world. We also know that GOD is absolute so no matter what we face in our natural world He is with us and He is stronger than any of our challenges. 

Okay enough background let me get to the meat of my story. As I mentioned before it was between commercials that I told my husband that it is unfathomable how powerful Lucifer is. He says "yeah he took a 1/3 of heaven with him". "Yes, he did" I replied, " but you know what the kickers are? 1. we don't know how many fallen angels he actually took with him because we don't know how much of the third he took. Sure we know a third but a third of what? 2. How powerful is he that he could convince other immortal beings who have the privileged of living in The Almighty's presence to trade it for allegiance to him. 3. My God, (said in awe not disrespect), how powerful is the Lord because He trumps Satan who is not the mightiest of foes?" It just makes one feel the weakness of being human. We couldn't survive a moment without God. Why would we want too? "But", I continued "what gets me is why would God create us in the first place?" "He knew all of the heartache we would cause Him and each other. How we could never get it right because sin is in our nature. The desire to disobey was with us even in the garden. But yet He still chose to create us". He replies, "yeah I know right". 

As we continued our conversation we were simply awed at GOD's majesty, holiness and greatness. Think about it..Only He could be holy enough to completely atone for our sin debt. No one else is, was or would be able to sate His need for justice save Himself in the form of His Son, the Living Word Jesus Christ. Only He could shed His own blood to forever place us in right standing with Him. Only He could raise himself from the dead and sit on the Throne and on His right side..all at the same time. The God we serve is awesome! But the question still remains as to why? I confessed to Anthony that I asked GOD why He created us? At the time I was upset with the people I was working with and was laying out all of my issues with their character flaws, as well as my own, and I just needed to know why. 

He answered me ,(The Lord), in one word...LOVE. Love compelled Him to create us, provide for us, save us and love on us. Because He is Love. He sets His rules and boundaries and He is so Holy that He can't go against His own Word or Law. He defines Love. He dictated that Love must be shared, it must be expressed, it is not meant to keep for ones own self. It is stronger like that. "I think that is why He gave us babies, so we could experience the miracle of creation..just on a small scale". " We feel the little things moving around and know they are alive, we anticipate their birth while watching their growth in the womb and when they arrive we are over joyed and so proud to have them." I said excitedly. My husband nods in agreement and adds, " yes even when they grow up, disappoint us or hurt us, we still love them". "yes", I agreed, " I guess that is how He feels about us".  "Hun", he says, "you should put that on your blog thingee".

Now readers you can have an inkling of understanding of how much God Loves You!!!! If you haven't accepted His gift of salvation. Please consider doing so today. 

One day He will return for us, the faithful, because He said so in His Word. Be counted on His side so you may share in His beautiful glory and partake of His promises that are only for His children. 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. - John 3:16 www.biblegateway.com

6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me  John 14:6 www.biblegateway.com

Worthy of a Question

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

Who will remember....

What has your attention?

Where are you focused?

Who will it help.....

Do you have a goal?

Will it follow you into death?

Is it worth the sacrifice

Who does it benefit....

Who does it hurt?

What will last?

Can you bring it with you?

Empty your hands were when you came,

Empty they will be when they leave

What will remain?

Love

-Souljourner

Clarity

So there I was this morning dropping my youngest off at school and I noticed all of the teachers scurrying about there many a.m tasks; and I found myself being just a tad bit, (okay who am I fooling a super, overwhelming, all caps TAD), jealous. Everyone seemed to be in their place..comfortable where they fit in. Walking in their purpose. Being productive; Smiling and greeting their students and co-workers; Making plans, following routines, scheduling meetings.

I thought to myself wow and what are you doing? Another day filled with 'let's find something to do' activities all the while asking the same old questions like: What am I doing here, what is my purpose, what should I be accomplishing in this season? How did I get here? Why am I here. Needless to say I was having a moment. Come to think of it I have been having a lot of moments as of late. Still I spoke when spoken too and even forced a couple of smiles. I couldn't wait to get out of the building just so I could be alone with my thoughts.

The weather was a perfect 52 degrees and it was raining, quite heavily, in spurts. As I walked the short distance to the car I thought, " I could walk in the mall" but the rain and the cool air was so inviting I opted to take my morning walk outside despite the gloomy skies. Besides why would I have walked in a mall around a bunch of stuff that I couldn't afford any way.

Yes I was one big ball of happiness.

I arrived at my preferred location agitated and dreading the exercise. But I pushed myself because I knew that physical activity was the best way to clear my head and talk with The Lord. I asked Him questions, I expressed how I was feeling and even confessed to some of the desires I had. Which all centered around an elevated state of living. That wasn't a lot to ask for after all He said He would meet all of my needs and a few of my desires. So why not ask for what He knew I wanted anyway?

Eventually, I moved on to hear a message from one of my favorite pastors and there He was. GOD speaking to me thru The Word. I was humbled and my complaining soon turned into statements of gratefulness. I was so happy GOD was merciful enough to answer my questions by just simply answering one. I was created to bring Him GLORY!

 In my mad pursuit of happiness I thought fulfillment would come from a career so I asked for grace and completed (3) degrees; I thought I would surely be satisfied with a nice home, maybe a 4-bedroom craftsman; Or maybe I needed a new van..but then I would be washed out by the fact that we are hand to mouth, living paycheck to paycheck. Which lead me back to what I am doing here? I need to be out making money so we can afford more stuff.

Did you know all of that is vanity? Material and useless in the sense that if it does not bring GOD glory then it holds no weight. If it holds no weight then what is the purpose of pursuing the course? Where is the reward? The acquisition of things is cool but that isn't all there is nor is it our sole purpose. Remember naked we came in the world and naked we are leaving. Not to mention there is no guarantee that the thirst we are seeking to quench will be found in these empty items.

No. Not at all. The truth is only what we do for Christ will last. Only in seeking Christ will we be fulfilled. Only by hearing and obeying the Lord will we be walking in our calling. Which is to glorify Him. The scripture says:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33) 

I had it all wrong! The correct formula for happiness is: Seek GOD +Obey GOD= Days full of contentment x happiness to the 3rd power. 

I am determined to live in the purpose He placed in me. I will probably always need to die to self because His ways are not mine..but at least I know His outcome is infinitely better than anything I could ever hope for. Not just for me but also for those whom He places in my pathway. 

Remember enriching someone else is always better than feeding riches to one's self. 

-Souljourner

www.harvest.org (a new beginning: Your Number Is Up 1-3)

www.biblegateway.com

Beats

to my own beat do i drum

to my own steps do i dance

the rhythm of life moves with time

upbeat is the tempo when life is light

slow and steady when challenge blocks my steps

determined and rapid are the sounds

when my course will not be changed

when my mind is made up

when my strength compels me to stand

mellow is the tune when the day is mine

soft reflections add to my thoughts

soulful is my vibe

i dance to my own steps

-Souljourner

I am

I am strong

I am Witty

I am Pretty

I am more than Beautiful

I am the Beautiful

I carry Grace

Calmness is my friend

I bring Strength in my arms

Comfort is my table

I am a Lady who loves

I am a Daughter of Zion

A mother of many

And the trusted of One

I am the Beautiful

And Precious..so are you

-Souljourner

Silence

Silence

Beautiful

Strong

Firm

Unique

Complete

Classy

Calming

Comforting

Wise

Always welcomed

Silence

Stop, Look and Listen

Softly, slowly, deliberate

are the fall breezes at my back

nothing alive but the sound of the leaves

under my feet.

The air is thick with the perfume of the season

squirrels scurry about

grabbing, eating, stocking

Winter will follow soon

Gone are the winds of summer

Bright blue were its skies

Dazzling were it's clouds.

But I will not miss them

The pale gray and the mute purples

The last of the season

are comforting to me

In its stillness the lack of activity

encourages me.

Soon life will begin again

The cycle of awakening will be upon us

But for now

This is comfort

I am still in my peace

-Souljourner

Vulnerable Moments (2 of 2)

I am sad. It is the joyful end of an era. If I am honest with myself I never prepared for this moment because I was too afraid to hope for it. I didn't want to geek myself up just to be disappointed or worse have him be disappointed. So I just continued in life trying to adjust to the waves of change as they were thrown at me.

Well now it's neither here or there. He will be starting school next week and my house will be empty again. Except for me, I will still be here. Everyone else has a mission or a purpose but I will spend hours alone in solitary confinement.

Now it isn't all bad. I get to study the Word of God and just immerse myself in His presence un-interrupted. If I do have to go out the shopping is great during the day. All of the vendors are fresh and friendly and the shelves are stocked. There are definitely perks to being at home.

Still I must confront and conquer my fear of the unknown or asking GOD what is next. I might be a little bit traumatized from the rush of the last 12 months. I need to be able to hope without worry or plan, prayerfully, carefully for positive events..such as family vacation. Yes we can do that now. I do admit Sunday before last I tried to put together a family vacation with my Aunt and I had a panic attack. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. I was angry at the onslaught of emotions and I couldn't gain control nor could I explain why I was feeling the way I was.

What a contradiction. I should be feeling free and light as the wind. Full of the wonder and hope of a healthy future. But I am not.

I am broken and need to lay before the King because I have lost my fire. I don't want to move forward and I can't go backward. I just need to be naked and vulnerable before my Lord and allow Him to reveal my issues to me and heal me. I know He can. There is nothing impossible for Him. He is Mighty enough to handle my hurt and not condemn me for it.

Being brave doesn't mean you don't weep; it doesn't mean you don't feel your weakness; nor does it mean you are not afraid. But He said be strong and of good courage, I am the Lord Thy God and I am with thee...(Joshua 1) I am on my way to speak to the King..to be open and unashamed of my human frailty. To mourn openly and express my need for Him.

-Souljourner

Vulnerable Moments (1 of 2)

Life is full of contradictions. Like when you tell your child to be brave when they are about to receive an immunization of some sort. The needle must look so incredibly intimidating and the smell of the alcohol wipe must be nauseating as it foretells the short arrival of pain. But yet we hold them and talk with them trying to distract or entertain, yet it is usually to no avail. Once they see that needle all bets are off. First the deal making, (if they are old enough to reason), then the pleading, followed next by the crying and finally the screaming. I promise you I don't know who suffers the most in 2 minutes..the kids or me. Because I am sweating from trying to hold them and so does my wallet; afterwards I usually treat them to some type of positive reinforcement. Ice-cream or chicken nuggets works wonders.

It doesn't erase the memory of the event or the residual stinging that follows the shot but it does tell them more than words that hey, I am sorry you had to go through that and no matter how much I try to sell it you are not going to buy it. Just trust me this will protect you later and hence is good for you.

Well I need an ice-cream. Its been 10 long years on this journey of uncertainty called Nathan and we are in a new chapter. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks almost to the day that we had a successful kidney transplant. And he is doing phenomenal! Just amazing what the body can do. I mean all of his other functions that were affected by the impaired kidneys are starting to straighten up and fly right. One would think I am overwhelmed by joy and warm fuzzy feelings.

Trust me when I say I thank GOD for what He has done. Every day I am amazed just a little bit more. But honestly...I am road weary. I feel empty. I have no direction. I am having trouble adjusting and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. His disease drove me..I learned all I could learn. I jumped into training. I made the whole house eat like he could eat. All I ever thought about was making sure that I was acutely aware of all of his needs. From dietary to fluid intake to sleep. I drove myself to excel at work, when I was able, then school because that would equal higher pay. But now he is in his last year of elementary school. He is fiercely independent. He has a new kidney so he can eat almost whatever he wants to. I don't want to cripple him so I let him go. He needs to explore, experiment, meet new people, form new relationships and own as much as he can of his self-care.

Here I am standing alone. My arms are empty. The pieces of what I thought was my future still crumble underneath my steps. So now what?

-Souljourner

Always in Time

A time to mourn
Weird isn't it
this is the time to celebrate
Winter is here
with it is the end of all things current

its the end that I mourn

so long this has been my way
its comfortable
predictable as a sea
change was the only constant
sometimes pain was my closest friend
but its what I knew
I owned it
It was mine
the hurt fueled me
it didn't yield but neither did I

now..what?
I have lost my fight
it was silenced with change
I don't know what to do
how to act
where to find fuel for my fire
On I must go

searching for a new reason
but I am weak
beginning again
the thought stirs panic
a habitation of fear
now you understand
why I mourn

it's a herald of change

One of Many Uses

There are so many things one sees in unconventional situations. Take our hospital stays and visits for example. I would have never met the beautiful people that I did. I wouldn't be able to witness the healing power of God. Or hear the whisper of love that transcended race and religious preferences so I could comfort a new mother who was just beginning her journey with a critically ill child.

I wouldn't be able to sympathize or hold her while she allowed herself to be vulnerable..to a total stranger no less. I wouldn't be able to share that there is hope and you must live for it. I wouldn't have been able to whisper GOD's name as she passed by me in her wheel chair to fresh from birth to walk. Holding her promise, he was beautiful by the way, wide eyed so overwhelmed with the fierceness of now. I have been there...

Hours on end I would spend at his bedside in the unit and wonder when I would be on the other side. I wouldn't accept the prognosis that he probably wouldn't make it. Not my son..He will live. Not because I willed it but because The Most High declared it. I know what is in front of those moms.

The uncertainty. The fear. The intimidation. But still they, we go on. We have to regardless of the outcome. We can't quit.

Fast-forward we are almost 5 weeks post transplant. I still can't believe how quickly things have progressed. How Nathan's life has changed yet again. How my life and the lives of his siblings have changed.  I must admit that my adjustment has been slow. I am resistant to change...it frightens me.

This ride has been terrifying..a double nephrectomy, (2) catheter replacements and a kidney transplant. All since March of this year. Terrifying is no exaggeration. Just the thought of transplant would induce a mild panic attack. I don't know if it was because I had no control or I just didn't want him operated on again.

Still I see in my mind's eye a time that has passed. A mom standing alone by a crib..to proud to cry because it would extend too much energy. She must maintain all she can for the little one. I remember feeling so stretched I thought I would break..other things, (the home, sister and brother, husband), needed my attention. "I just can't ", I would cry out to the Lord, but I did..only because of His strength.

I am still trying to get my bearings. I am still wondering when my courage will return. But then Myles comes and hugs me and ask 'so how was your day' and I hear him and his brother laugh during their chipmunk chatter. I know I will get better. I just have to allow myself to be right now.

After all I am only human. So are we all.

Regards,

Souljourner

Winter

The wind, crisp and strong
assaults my nostrils
the leaves are so loud underneath my feet
they insult the silence
a break in the paleness of winter
everything is gray
no life
no color
stark, barren and beautiful
smoke from nearby
warms my soul
re-affirms to me that I am alive

my pace remains the same
there is something beautiful about the sky
this season of dormancy
of rest
of renewal
hidden are its activities
but the fruit of spring sing of its faithfulness
it comforts me

Spilled Milk

I never wanted a mini-van. The suburbs never held my interest and I most certainly didn't want to be anyone's housewife. Stay-at-home mom???!! Really? I am educated...I hold several degrees. I have been in the workforce since I was 12 years old.

But it means little to nothing when you look into the face of your child who is so very happy to see you waiting for him at the bus stop in the afternoon. Nor can you put a price on the security your husband feels knowing you are taking care of all of the intricate details required to run a home. He knows he can't do it...that is not where his strength is.

This is not the life I hoped for by any means. But it is the one I have.

I can choose to find beauty in the challenges of it or be crushed under the weight of disappointment. It doesn't change the fact that 2 of my 3 kids are autistic. Or that 2 of the 3 children have chronic medical conditions..one of them pretty severe.

What does change, however, is my perspective. I now understand that the power of choice that God has given me, (and each of us), has to be operated with God centered caution every day. I can't for one minute think that my power trumps the unknown or controls the outcome of any given situation. It simply gives me an opportunity to actively participate in the day God has given me.

We wanted babies. My husband wanted to be a father and was elated when I had cravings or when my belly was so round I couldn't fit behind the wheel of our car. He loved talking to the children when they were in the womb; he loved making them jump at the sound of his voice. We chose to become parents and asked GOD for the gift of life. We didn't know anything about learning disabilities, delays or anything of the sort. We do now but again our choice does not control our outcome.

We love our kids. We are saddened, sometimes, by the very real possibility that we won't have an empty nest or grandchildren from all of our brood. But it is okay. God says not to mess with secret things and the future is definitely a secret.

Despite his issues Myles rides the bus to and from school. He is not afraid to try and inner act with his peers. He understands where he is in his surroundings and is better than a G.P.S. when you need directions. Just tell him where you are trying to go and he can tell you how to get there.

Things like this make me say, "So what I didn't get what I wanted! I got what He knew I needed."

Trust Him to do the same for you.

Souljourner

Measured Breaths

Deep, slow and deliberate. Those are my breathes. I am almost counting them.

Today is the day. Transplant is scheduled within a few hours.

It is beyond me. I am trying to grasp the day. I am sitting in the garden on the roof of the hospital.

I don't want to panic. I know I have no control...

I am scared.

I love my son.

But You love him more.

I would withhold what is best for him. Just to spare him from the immediate pain.

He is in his room sleeping.

I have sought You out before the rest of the world is awake.

I need to hear You through the silence.

I need to feel Your presence.

I don't want to be here.

My GOD, Yahweh, My GOD...My GOD

Words scream in my head but my voice has no strength

Is there any other way?

Hold me, as only You can

The sun rises beautifully. The colors are an awesome expression of Your Majesty

The silence holds strength

I don't want to walk through this day

I don't want this day

That is my fear roaring

Be of good courage, I am with you

It's Your promise

I reflect

Lighter are my steps as I walk back to his room

Here I am

Here I am..

Broken

Weak

Empty

I have poured out all of my strength

I have given till my last

Now I have nothing

But you say I do

My hands are feeble

Is my reply to Your promptings

I don't want to move

I can't go on from this place

Yes, yes you can

You whisper in my soul

I feel Your kisses in the wind

It surrounds me

Envelops me

Covers me

I will never leave you or forsake you

I remember

Slowly I move towards You

I am strengthen

I am strengthen

I feel Your warmth, once again

A Learned Truth

Good Morning Friends,

It is morning for me but regardless of when you read this post...it's still good morning (smile). It's something about the first greeting of the day. It gives me grounding and fills me with the promise of a new day. It re-affirms for me that my Heavenly Father is still there waiting for me to greet Him and experience His love through out the day.

That thought alone gives me courage to get up and face the unknowns of the time I have been given. If you are anything like me I love to pre-plan. Why? So I can know what to expect ...how to be prepared and honestly how avoid any unpleasantries. Thankfully GOD in His ultimate wisdom knows what is best for me is frequently the last thing I want.

Really if I had foreknowledge then what would I need faith for? Why would I need to rely on Him? Why would I need to trust Him or even believe in Him? I would not. I would be my own god..completely backwards; living in a catch up mode.

Have you ever tried to walk backwards? It's unsafe, it's weird and it leaves you without the ability to marvel at what is in front of you. Not to mention how exactly are you supposed to move forward if you are always gazing at what is behind you?


So, as inconvenient as it is to me not to know all that will unfold in the single day that I have been given. It is necessary for me not to know. I am not infinite. I am not all powerful. I am not without my flaws. I can't run my world or anyone else's.


But I can trust and simply say Good Morning Lord. Thank you for this morning Father. I have now given my day and all of it's responsibilities, pitfalls, disappointments, joys and dangers to the One who can keep me as I go through it all.


Learned truths are like bought ones. Once you purchase it, it's yours.


Walk in Love and Truth
Souljourner

It takes a Village to Raise a Child

First and foremost...my deepest condolences for the family of Micheal Brown. May the Lord continue to keep you in His peace as you go through this day and the days to come.


Today is the day that Mr. Micheal Brown will be laid to rest and as I read the different accounts of the tragic events that lead up to this day I am troubled. As I look at the community of St.Louis coming together to pay their respects to a young man who was too soon taken from us..I can't help but wonder where were all of these groups,people and influences when Mr. Brown needed mentoring? Maybe just maybe if he had this type of attention and outpouring of love before that day..maybe he would have been able to make better choices, ones that would have extended his life not extinguish it.

Now before you get out of sorts let me elaborate. In no way shape or form is his murder justifiable. There is no winner in this situation. The officer doesn't win, his family, the police department nor Micheal's family, friends or the community as a whole. There was no benefit to his death. If anything it was a tragedy that is becoming all to common place in our world.

I am simply pointing out that if our community (black, white, latino or other) would be pro-active in the lives of the young men in neighborhood. Maybe we could avoid the senseless acts of violence that are befalling them.

I commend the men of Alpha Phi Alpha for stepping up and paying for the final expenses; but wouldn't it have been awesome that instead of celebrating the life of Micheal Brown that they,( we ),could be helping him live. Again I am not criticizing or belittling the donation of time and resources or marring Mr. Brown's memory. I am however saying that if we don't start grabbing these kids on the front end arming them with tools for economic success, education, vision, vital communication skills and personal accountability..then unfortunately we can expect to see more ridiculous loss of life.

Let's make it a point to return to the mentality of a tribe where: everyone has a vested interest in seeing the youth succeed; Everyone also has the courage to put with their action in training up their youth. They are a valuable asset and need to be cultivated.

So get involved with groups who are for positive change. Make it a point to work with civil authorities to build better community relations. Go to the polls and demand representatives that are bold enough to hold those in authoritative positions accountable for their actions. Lastly, firstly and always..Pray for peace and let your actions reflect what your faith believes.

One more point of life...if you are a parent then be the best parent you can be. Does this guarantee that your kid will always walk the straight and narrow. Of course not. They have the power of choice, just like we do. But I am speaking specifically of the ones who neglect their duties and see the immediate results. Broken homes, kids with no structure or training. We all know them. They go to our kids schools, we see them out too late or too early. We shake our heads but decide not to get involved, I myself am guilty. But if we want to see change and improvement in our neighborhoods and cities then it starts with us. We must get involved, correct ourselves, risk rejection from our own because we are trying to project a better path to life; or we can continue to watch the deterioration of our people as a whole. I challenge you, I challenge me to mentor those in our sphere of influence. Do whatever it takes..not everyone has the gift of mentoring but we are all able to support those causes that directly impact the lives of youth through our prayers and financial contributions.

Hats off to those who are actively engaged in our communities. Those silent soldiers who influence lives for the better. Thank you for doing what you do. Now it is up to the rest of us to take up the challenge to step outside of ourselves and help the up and coming.

-Souljourner

Just Saying

Sometimes the very thing that you are trying so hard to get away from...is the very thing you need the most.

Just saying

For example I couldn't wait to get away from my parents and family and have a life of my own. Well now I don't have a life without my parents and family. I called my mom yesterday and told her I needed my favorite chair in her living room and a nice bowl of her made from scratch soup. It comforts my soul.

Now apply where necessary and where not necessary don't make excuses to try and make a square peg fit in a space where a triangle was made to be.

Wisdom people..ask for it and it will be given to you liberally!

-Souljourner

Young Lion

Son of joy

Strength is in your arms

Your hands are filled

With the promises of the earth

Be faithful in your work

Adam

You bring honor to your family

You delight yourself in precepts

that bring you life

He will reward you because

diligent is your search for Him

We need you

You are precious to Him who created you

In His image, you stand

In His breath, you live

Trust Him to supply all of your needs

He has a helpmate for you

Wait for her

Your faithfulness will be rewarded

Don't be afraid to trust

He knows your name

-Souljourner

Proof is in the Pudding

you say you love me

but your fruit tells on you

you say you believe

but your life mirrors

abomination and  desolation

you say you know Me

but you don't defend the innocent

you don't correct the unjust

you don't stand when it is for Me

You say choice
and sleep undisturbed

whose are you again?
Mine?
are you sure
My sheep know Me
yet you say you hear
but refuse to listen

Time is coming
Will you still serve you?

-souljourner

The Prize is in the Wait

You are so beautiful

You don't have to prove what you are

you just need to be taught to embrace it

You are worth waiting for

Make him work for your hand

The prize that is you

Then you can give yourself away

unselfishly

with no guilt

no commendation

and no regrets

its rewarding to follow the straight and narrow

you bring grace to your husband

and honor to your father

daughter of Zion

-souljourner

Rewind

Greetings Family!

I hope all is well in your corner of the world. Forgive me if I have already shared this story with you.  Something's are worth repeating.

With that said here are some thoughts that needed to be shared with you. I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me to write it.

Regards,

-Souljourner

I can't remember exactly what day it was but that is not an important detail; I do remember, however, that we were on the tail end of a very trying time with Nathan's dialysis treatment. It was over a series of days where Nathan was not receiving adequate treatment due to a faulty catheter. As a result his blood pressure numbers were ridiculous. He didn't feel good and nothing we were trying was working.

It was painfully obvious that this little soldier had had enough. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and his sister...and he said "nothing is work!" "Nothing is work, Mom".  I was terrified, I couldn't breathe. My blood was cold. My mouth was dry. My feet felt like lead and my arms were numb. I thought...no you can't give up. Please don't give up..

I couldn't get to him fast enough even though I was standing less than 3 steps from him. Ehlissa stopped what she was doing and reached him and embraced him! Whispering reassurances in his ear as he sobbed. I grabbed both of them and JESUS CHRIST held all of us.

This reflection is so fresh in my mind. I need it; it keeps me grounded; it reminds me of where my Hope lies; it tells me that it is okay to not know the outcome. Praise GOD Nathan has recovered...but that little guy's strength keeps me going.

To tell you that I never want to give up. That I never grow tired is a lie. I do, I am human, I am his mother. I don't want to see him suffer. It makes me feel powerless and the helplessness is enough to drive one insane. But I will also tell you that I hold on to God's promises: that He will never leave me nor forsake me; that He is with me always!; He says be strong and of good courage for HE IS WITH ME.

My GOD thank you!! Thank you when there is more week than it is money; Thank you when I think my life doesn't matter; Thank you when I am afraid because I don't know the end of this challenge. Thank you when I feel like my mistakes have brought me to where I am. Thank you when I don't think I can surrender anything else. Thank you because you remain the same despite my fickleness.

Folks, I can do nothing on my own but I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me! I need His strength. I need His arms of protection. I need His warmth, His love, His reassurance that He has already conquered death and sin. I need to be reminded that He has already given me the victory. It lights me in the darkest of my days. My shoulders are not broad enough to carry the weight of my life. But He is and His promises spur me to continue! His Holy Spirit raises that fight nature in me and encourages me to continue with my head held high.

If you choose not to believe, I don't understand how you make it. Honestly the rain falls on me just like it does you. However, I am not consumed by it nor am I utterly destroyed. I know whose I am. So I am comforted with His quiet reassurance that I am in His hand.

Life is hard and often unfair. And is this wasn't enough it leaves us, with no apologies or explanations. But you don't have to go it alone. God said to take his yoke while He takes ours. He is my confidence secured. He is my rest. You can have the same rest if you choose too.

Just thought you should know

Wisdom Pearl #7

Small should stay small

never should it be made into something tall

because a shadow then does it project

causing you to forget

that small can be nothing but small

-Souljourner

Sides

Life is to be celebrated

Choices are to be weighed

Perspective, although, respected does not produce agreement

Does that make me mean?

Non-tolerant

Or are you exactly what you accuse me to be?

My standards are established by the Most High

In your life He does not exist

That is your choice

But it doesn't affect the fact that He does

Allow me to stand as I stand

Because I will, regardless of permission

I, in turn, will continue to respect your freedom to choose

your life is in your hands

Don't say you were not cautioned

Every flip has a side

For good or bad

So you do what you do

And I will be who I am

There is no hate

Just truth

-Souljourner

Yeah, about that.....

It is so funny how the Lord can use everyday moments to speak with us. It is so beautiful when I can hear Him with clarity...meaning my spirit is quiet enough to hear Him. It is empowering,, re-assuring and awe inspiring. It sticks with you for the rest of your days. It serves as a point of reference to help steady your course not to mention an encouragement to you when your way gets a little rough and you wonder if you are going the right way. At least it does for me.

For example I remember when I was heavy with our 3rd child; heavy meaning miserable, large, huge and uncomfortable. This pregnancy was my most difficult. I had high blood pressure, chronic nose bleeds, heartburn and a terrible craving for filet  o' fish. Honestly I would have my husband go to a 24 hour McDonald's and grab 2 of those tasty sandwiches complete with tarter on the side pickles and the onions they place on the 1/4 burgers. I would crush, as my 20 year - old says, that and fruit. So wonder I had pressure issues but what can I say. There was not a lot the baby was allowing me to eat. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Anyway, one day I was walking from our bedroom to the kitchen, (we had a 3 bedroom ranch), and before I hit the opening into the kitchen I heard Him. His voice made me stop in mid-waddle, "Lord"? "Yes". I was too awed at the clarity of His voice it was like movie quality surround sound in my head! It was awesome! "Nathan". "The child's name is to be Nathan, he is my prophet". "yes Lord". I was smiling and just tickled pink with excitement! I couldn't wait to tell my husband! How exciting, we are going to have a little celebrity! Our son will be famous and a sound man of GOD; what else could any parent ask for? I could just picture it..there goes the great prophet Nathan and his mother (lol).

I am so glad GOD is bigger than our petty desires. I am also glad that His will encompasses the good of all not just me. Unbeknownst to me our journey with this little man would take us places that were so far removed from my expectations but so much closer to GOD's grace.

See if I had it my way I would be parading him around from every Baptist, Pentecost and Christian church prophesying and doing whatever else the Lord told him to do. His father and I would be sat in a place of honor and recognized in the community. Don't be mad at my transparency..some of you would due to be brutally honest with yourself too. It would make you a a better person. Sometimes the truth hurts but once you admit to GOD what He already knows about you, then He can start molding you more into His image and line your desires up with His will. Instead of asking for things to feed my vanity I now ask for whatever His Will deems necessary because I know His Will is always better. 

Now back to our program. How were we brought closer to GOD's grace? Well if you have been keeping up with the previous blogs you have a good idea  but just in case I will give you a quick recap:
1. Nate was born a premie (like 1 or 2 oz from 8lbs..whew)
2. He was born with Eagle Barrett's syndrome or Prune Belly
3. He is autistic (Aspergers)
4. He has kidney disease
5. He has had to date 4 major surgeries and a host of  procedures
6. His life expectancy was predicted to last about 10-12 months after birth
7. We lost close friends
8. We were distanced from family members
9. Our marriage was severely challenged

I know right! How in the world did this bring us out of the 'church' and into relationship with GOD? Simple we were allowed to be placed in circumstances so dire that only The Lord GOD could have brought us out! No one could pray for us like we could for ourselves; we started talking to GOD on the daily, not just Sundays, we started a habit of seeking His Word. After all most of our friends, except the faithful few, had abandoned us because no one wanted to be around a sick baby. So we had a lot of time on our hands. All of our resources were drained because I had to stop working so our perspective on money and things were placed into balanced. We started hanging out with a new crowd, parents of hospitalized kids. What fertile ground for witnessing...for sharing..for gaining strength..for a look into the the compassion GOD has towards us. 

Admittedly the folks in the new crowd don't hang around for long, we may have an hour or 3 minutes to share with them or them with us. But there is no such thing as a coincidence, only divine appointments. Without Nate's afflictions we would never be able to talk about GOD's Grace &Mercy. We would never have had to grow up and shed all of our wrong beliefs and traditions that don't amount to a hill of beans. We would have never learned that the Joy of the Lord is indeed our strength.

So true to His Word, Nathan is indeed His prophet, spreading the word that the Lord is indeed alive and still in the miracle working business! Not only does he have a message for the people but for his Parents, Grand-parents, God-Parents, Uncles & Aunties. And amazingly his message grows with him; It never gets old because GOD is constantly bringing us into new levels of understanding.

Aren't you so glad that GOD is who He is! Who else could bring us into humble submission to make us stronger in Him? Who else could hone our desires to fit His purpose? Who else could bring fruit out of despair and hopelessness?

No one else but Jesus Christ and His Father. 

Now please don't leave with the impression that we have 'arrived', no to the contrary we have a long, long way to go. It's just that now we understand a little bit mo' better about the goodness, mercy, super intelligence and pure awesomeness that belongs to GOD. 

So even if your journey isn't part of your expectations take comfort in the fact that The GOD you serve is bigger than your expectations and can do exceedingly more than you can imagine. 

If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Risen Savior and the Son of GOD. I encourage you to do so. It doesn't mean all will be roses in your life but it does mean that as His child you are entitled to His promises and are assured a place in Heaven. 

Trust without understanding
Live with Peace of GOD
Have Joy with clarity
because you know Whose you are!

-Souljourner
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11)

www.biblegateway.com

Flowers for You

We used to fuss quarrel and fight
We never really appreciated each other
There was never a reason too.

Until now. Brother our days have grown longer
with the responsibilities of family
careers and other distractions

But every now and again we get to hang out
even if it is just 3 minutes to ourselves
and it is so very nice!

I miss your snappy humor and
witty comebacks
I miss your perspective
which has grown ever wiser with time and travel

I miss the girls, oh how they used to oogle you.
How proud I was to say that you were my big bro.
I still am.

I love you and the man that you have become
I look forward to your counsel and I enjoy sharing the mis-adventures
of our kids. It's nice to hear your laugh, so boisterous so full of life.

It's comforting to see how observant you are over the needs of your wife and kids
You are everything I thought you could be and more.

Consider these accolades your beautifully won flowers!
-Souljourner

Human Moments

Do you ever wonder what the air will be like in heaven? I do. I can't picture it but I know it will be glorious like Christmas morning to my 6 year old self. As we continue on this journey with Nate I find myself grasping unto to any hope I can find. Honestly some days the journey wears on me..I just hate the words autism and disease. I am like really, if I got to hear those terms one more time I promise that I will scream.

Funny thing of how reflection will help put things into perspective..about the time that I was just 'over' the whole renal failure, dialysis treatments  blah blah blah. The doctor entered our treatment room and started telling her colleagues all about the last several months of Nate's history. Just listening to her made me go Thank You Jesus! I hadn't forgotten it just that sometimes when you are in the fight you forget that you are on the winning side.

I can't imagine being a soldier in the middle of a war. The constant sound of gun fire, watching your comrades falling day after day with no end in sight. The feeling of helplessness and lack of control are your constant companions. But still you fight on because the cost of defeat is too great. Something in you just won't let you give up.

I don't like the challenges I have faced thus far on this journey; honestly I don't care for the journey. I vote for a different one. But that is not in my power and I must remind myself to trust the One who does have it.

The other day Nathan cried out to his sister that his treatment wasn't working, "nothing is working" and he poured out his heart. His eyes were full of tears that carried his frustration. His sister, no longer protected by distance, saw him as he was just a scared little boy who desperately needed comfort and answers. Without missing a beat her and I rushed to his bedside assaulting him with kisses, rubbing his hands and filling his ears with reassurances. Again surrender is not an option and the cost of defeat is too great. We have to keep fighting, he has to keep fighting.

I am happy to report that he has since returned to his jolly, mischievous self and once again the house is filled with laughter and innocence. Despite me having my human moments..there is still so much to experience. This story is far from over.

Heaven, I am sure, is filled with the most imaginable of things; the thought of being so close to the Christ and Lord God Jehovah overwhelms me with pure delight. But still I ask for a little more length to my walk because I want to go all the way to the end and beyond. Wouldn't you?
-Souljourner

Untitled

sometimes I feel like a volcano ready to erupt
my emotions are all over the place
hot, smokey threatening to strangle me
and I can't get a hand on my reality
I get angry and take my frustrations out on anything or anyone close to me

I mourn the life I thought I would have
I mourn the dreams lost

then i remember to breathe

it resets me
the air crushing thru my nostrils
the expansion of my lungs
allow me to understand that my job is simple
just  believe and trust that He has my best interest
in line with His will

Again I draw a deep breath
my brain tingles with excitement
like the shock of stepping into a cold
winter morning

A reminder that I am alive
That I am set aside for a special purpose
I am equipped with everything I need
to complete the job
even if I am not sure of what exactly it is

breathing re-establishes the fact that I am fearfully
and wonderfully made

there are no accidents
only divine appointments
I am encouraged
I feel my strength returning
My joy shines on me

-souljourner

Simply Me

I live

I love

I breathe

I am

-Souljourner

Allow Me

Can I be honest?
Can I risk your opinion of me changing?
Can I be allowed to reveal my frailness

my doubts and insecurities

Can I be truthful
Can I release?
There is so much in my tears

they are my courage
they carry my strength
they help me remember that i  have limitations
I am not GOD
and it is okay

I don't have to have the answers
I don't have to like my circumstances

I get angry
i pray
I cry
I repeat

Allow me to be honest
Allow me to be human
I can be nothing else
-souljourner

Keeping it 100%

I would rather you keep it real

Tell me how you feel and let your actions

Support your words

I would rather you be truthful in your hurt

Than have your mouth part ways

Don't tell me you love me

But do everything against Me

Don't despise Me when I correct you

Don't twist my judgement with your bias

A lie is never the truth

No matter how much it is accepted

Trust I am going to keep it real with you

-Souljourner

Who Do You Love?

Just an observation

Just a thought

I noticed your light

Shines pink sometimes blue

I thought who you served was light?

Pure, radiant, power undiminished

His light never changes

The color never fades

Just a thought

Just an observation

You might want to choose this day

Who you love

Because who you love

Will Be who you serve

Souljourner

A Call To Action

Since when is God's commands a matter of public opinion? Since when did we allow godless people rule over our society? The nation that GOD created? When did we say wrong is right and right is wrong? Why do we celebrate those who are in open rebellion to GOD's policies and doctrine. Has anyone told the masses that the phrase "Oh My G" is disrespectful? I am sure one of the commandments state that we are not to say His name in vain. Has anyone taught their sphere of influence that the rainbow is a sign of GOD's covenant made with Noah? Not Gay Pride? I find it disturbing, do you?

We need to teach the non-believers, luke-warm followers and those who think they can have the best of both worlds,  that there are consequences to every choice; and whether they choose to believe the Word of GOD or not it does not diminish it's truth or power.

Why should we? Not because we don't love them but quite the contrary. They need to know that one day their soul will be required of them. They need to be able to have the right information to make a positive choice. A life saving choice.

Do I hate people who choose a homosexual or bisexual life. No- but same sex marriage is wrong, so is abortion and all of the other millions of things that we permit under the article of "free-choice".

This rant, as my daughter calls it, was brought to you by an article I saw where an actress 'comes out' and announces she is a proud bi-sexual mom. REALLY..when did it become okay? why is it just something that the 'kids' need to know? Can they know about Christ? Do they know that a household should contain a mom and a dad. I mean it may sound really ignorant on my part but some things  are better left discussed in the family circle and kept there.

What is happening is a wonderful strategic placement of sin. Satan desires to make sin common place while feeding us lies that make us dull to God's Truth,(because when it is the everyday then it is accepted- but it doesn't make it right). Newsflash GOD is the same He never changes! When He laid out the structure for our lives He meant us to follow it. It is for every person who inhabits the earth.


I encourage you to love those who feel differently than you
or whose lifestyles don't reflect your beliefs without you compromising or wavering in yours. This is a war for souls folks so before you worry about offending ask your God-conscience if you can live with yourself knowing you withheld life changing, soul saving truths.

We have evolved into the America who doesn't discipline her children. We have become complacent and lazy. Hollywood and the entertainment industry can't guide my children better than I can. My husband and I are the strongest influence on our kids. They will model their behavior and relationships by what we do.

Embrace the responsibility to raise salt of the earth. Don't leave them to find their way. Don't be afraid to love with correction.

I for one am determined to not stand in front of my Lord, on that day of account, and be found lacking because I did not share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Whether or not it is accepted is not my burden.

Everyone has choices! We need to respect the right to chose, however, we must understand that in order to make an informed decision one must posess the knowledge to do so.

So love without compromise,
respect without weights*
express oneself without malice
remember that rejection is not personal
and spread the Gospel without prejudice and courage

Souljourner

p.s
Words to the Wise:
*the decision to accept the gospel is up to the individual
it is not up to us, don't make it your burden.
* do not be afraid to stand for your beliefs
* do not add or detract from the Gospel
* respect does not mean acceptance
* know the Word
* Resolve to please GOD

Call it what you want

So I like black,

You like blue

I adore purple

But you loathe it

Red I embrace

You seek to destroy it

Should I let go what I know

To make you feel justified

Lure you into deceptive agreement

No I shouldn't

I won't

But I will love you as my parameters permit

and agree to disagree about everything else

Souljourner

Proud

Marriage is a Holy Covenant between One man and One woman

GOD honors what He has defined

Marriage is beautiful

Honorable

Strong

and our society's foundation

It is the life blood of a healthy structure

Proudly I say

I LOVE THE INSTITUITION OF MARRIAGE AS GOD DEFINED IT

I AM A WOMAN WHO LOVES HER HUSBAND

I LOVE BEING A MOTHER

I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST



Souljourner

STORMS

Grey,
 blue,
black

fierce
determined

commanding

I tremble

I can hear my heart

I have lost my voice

I can't breathe

Storm, leave  me

Leave me

the choice is mine
I want my power
It is not yours to give back
because it wasn't yours to take away

I found it
you can no longer hold me

I am free

I will stand

Souljourner

WHO?

I cry

Who hears me

I weep

Who comforts me

I fear

Who assures me

My strength wanes

Who restores me

I feel lost

Who guides me

I am ready to surrender

Who rallies me

I am quiet

Who hears me

Souljourner

Thoughts

Every time they prick your body

I cringe

When I look at your wounds

I want to cry

Every time they want to see

how you are healing

I want to jump to your defense

I want to protect

I want to help

I want to take your pain

I want to make it better

I have to resist becoming bitter
I have to accept Thy Will Be Done
But I hurt just like you do
I am challenged like you are
I wait for deliverance
for you, for me

Control is not mine
Neither is the outcome
Certainly not the glory

Trust is a hard thing
but is necessary

Emmanuel Help Me
Jehovah Jireh I call out to You
Only you
You are my deliverer
You are my shield
You are my promise


Souljourner

Joyuex Anniversaire!

Or For Non-French Speakers: Happy Birthday!

May 31, 2014 Marked my 44th birthday. It was great...filled with birthday calls, facebook birthday wishes, some cards and a few presents. We spent the day with extended family and then snuck out for an 8pm movie.

As with any birthday I like to take a look at what I have accomplished in the previous year. Honestly I didn't remember much because the last 2 months have been moving at the speed of life; but in this moment that I have to catch my breath sort of speak, I needed to reflect. To draw on past victories, review setbacks and purpose to do better every day.

I remember when I was so excited as a child to have a birthday party. My mom would spare no expense and would have the place decorated beautifully with colorful streamers, balloons, party plates and cups. The table would be filled with snacks, drinks, presents and hot dogs. My friends and I played games all in the back yard. The whole family would check in throughout the day. Aunts, uncles cousins and friends...it was simple, it was warm, It was awesome.

I remember when I was 16 and all I wanted to do was spend time with my friends. It was harder for me to have a relationship with my parents, especially my mom. She would pull and I would push or vice versa. I didn't enjoy my parents and they probably didn't enjoy me much at  the time either. I always wanted more, felt like I should be doing more. Like I should be hanging around the cool kids and doing cool stuff. We had moved by then and family didn't travel that far just for a birthday, Christmas yes. Birthday no. So I was missing a lot...I just didn't know it yet.

Then the big 21! Oh snap I am legal woohooo..I don't even remember the stupid stuff my friends and I did. Probably best that I didn't, Thank GOD for His grace! This time I approached my parents with a sense of entitlement. I was a brat. Took my gift said thankyou and headed out the door to what I thought was fun. Funny how walking with The Lord changes your definition of fun.

Then the big 30, the big 40 and now. What I can reflect most on is how I have changed, my attitude has soften and my heart is thankful!

A peaceful mind enjoys the simple things...like a hug from a little one
or a smile from the one you love
A thankful heart enjoys a soft breeze on the cheek, its like a kiss from GOD
A wise eye looks all around and marvels at the Lord's majesty; and is thankful and humbled at the same time.

Happy Birthday to me!
Thankyou Jesus for your peace, love and covering