I am sad. It is the joyful end of an era. If I am honest with myself I never prepared for this moment because I was too afraid to hope for it. I didn't want to geek myself up just to be disappointed or worse have him be disappointed. So I just continued in life trying to adjust to the waves of change as they were thrown at me.
Well now it's neither here or there. He will be starting school next week and my house will be empty again. Except for me, I will still be here. Everyone else has a mission or a purpose but I will spend hours alone in solitary confinement.
Now it isn't all bad. I get to study the Word of God and just immerse myself in His presence un-interrupted. If I do have to go out the shopping is great during the day. All of the vendors are fresh and friendly and the shelves are stocked. There are definitely perks to being at home.
Still I must confront and conquer my fear of the unknown or asking GOD what is next. I might be a little bit traumatized from the rush of the last 12 months. I need to be able to hope without worry or plan, prayerfully, carefully for positive events..such as family vacation. Yes we can do that now. I do admit Sunday before last I tried to put together a family vacation with my Aunt and I had a panic attack. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. I was angry at the onslaught of emotions and I couldn't gain control nor could I explain why I was feeling the way I was.
What a contradiction. I should be feeling free and light as the wind. Full of the wonder and hope of a healthy future. But I am not.
I am broken and need to lay before the King because I have lost my fire. I don't want to move forward and I can't go backward. I just need to be naked and vulnerable before my Lord and allow Him to reveal my issues to me and heal me. I know He can. There is nothing impossible for Him. He is Mighty enough to handle my hurt and not condemn me for it.
Being brave doesn't mean you don't weep; it doesn't mean you don't feel your weakness; nor does it mean you are not afraid. But He said be strong and of good courage, I am the Lord Thy God and I am with thee...(Joshua 1) I am on my way to speak to the King..to be open and unashamed of my human frailty. To mourn openly and express my need for Him.
-Souljourner
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Vulnerable Moments (1 of 2)
Life is full of contradictions. Like when you tell your child to be brave when they are about to receive an immunization of some sort. The needle must look so incredibly intimidating and the smell of the alcohol wipe must be nauseating as it foretells the short arrival of pain. But yet we hold them and talk with them trying to distract or entertain, yet it is usually to no avail. Once they see that needle all bets are off. First the deal making, (if they are old enough to reason), then the pleading, followed next by the crying and finally the screaming. I promise you I don't know who suffers the most in 2 minutes..the kids or me. Because I am sweating from trying to hold them and so does my wallet; afterwards I usually treat them to some type of positive reinforcement. Ice-cream or chicken nuggets works wonders.
It doesn't erase the memory of the event or the residual stinging that follows the shot but it does tell them more than words that hey, I am sorry you had to go through that and no matter how much I try to sell it you are not going to buy it. Just trust me this will protect you later and hence is good for you.
Well I need an ice-cream. Its been 10 long years on this journey of uncertainty called Nathan and we are in a new chapter. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks almost to the day that we had a successful kidney transplant. And he is doing phenomenal! Just amazing what the body can do. I mean all of his other functions that were affected by the impaired kidneys are starting to straighten up and fly right. One would think I am overwhelmed by joy and warm fuzzy feelings.
Trust me when I say I thank GOD for what He has done. Every day I am amazed just a little bit more. But honestly...I am road weary. I feel empty. I have no direction. I am having trouble adjusting and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. His disease drove me..I learned all I could learn. I jumped into training. I made the whole house eat like he could eat. All I ever thought about was making sure that I was acutely aware of all of his needs. From dietary to fluid intake to sleep. I drove myself to excel at work, when I was able, then school because that would equal higher pay. But now he is in his last year of elementary school. He is fiercely independent. He has a new kidney so he can eat almost whatever he wants to. I don't want to cripple him so I let him go. He needs to explore, experiment, meet new people, form new relationships and own as much as he can of his self-care.
Here I am standing alone. My arms are empty. The pieces of what I thought was my future still crumble underneath my steps. So now what?
-Souljourner
It doesn't erase the memory of the event or the residual stinging that follows the shot but it does tell them more than words that hey, I am sorry you had to go through that and no matter how much I try to sell it you are not going to buy it. Just trust me this will protect you later and hence is good for you.
Well I need an ice-cream. Its been 10 long years on this journey of uncertainty called Nathan and we are in a new chapter. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks almost to the day that we had a successful kidney transplant. And he is doing phenomenal! Just amazing what the body can do. I mean all of his other functions that were affected by the impaired kidneys are starting to straighten up and fly right. One would think I am overwhelmed by joy and warm fuzzy feelings.
Trust me when I say I thank GOD for what He has done. Every day I am amazed just a little bit more. But honestly...I am road weary. I feel empty. I have no direction. I am having trouble adjusting and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. His disease drove me..I learned all I could learn. I jumped into training. I made the whole house eat like he could eat. All I ever thought about was making sure that I was acutely aware of all of his needs. From dietary to fluid intake to sleep. I drove myself to excel at work, when I was able, then school because that would equal higher pay. But now he is in his last year of elementary school. He is fiercely independent. He has a new kidney so he can eat almost whatever he wants to. I don't want to cripple him so I let him go. He needs to explore, experiment, meet new people, form new relationships and own as much as he can of his self-care.
Here I am standing alone. My arms are empty. The pieces of what I thought was my future still crumble underneath my steps. So now what?
-Souljourner
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Always in Time
A time to mourn
Weird isn't it
this is the time to celebrate
Winter is here
with it is the end of all things current
its the end that I mourn
so long this has been my way
its comfortable
predictable as a sea
change was the only constant
sometimes pain was my closest friend
but its what I knew
I owned it
It was mine
the hurt fueled me
it didn't yield but neither did I
now..what?
I have lost my fight
it was silenced with change
I don't know what to do
how to act
where to find fuel for my fire
On I must go
searching for a new reason
but I am weak
beginning again
the thought stirs panic
a habitation of fear
now you understand
why I mourn
it's a herald of change
One of Many Uses
There are so many things one sees in unconventional situations. Take our hospital stays and visits for example. I would have never met the beautiful people that I did. I wouldn't be able to witness the healing power of God. Or hear the whisper of love that transcended race and religious preferences so I could comfort a new mother who was just beginning her journey with a critically ill child.
I wouldn't be able to sympathize or hold her while she allowed herself to be vulnerable..to a total stranger no less. I wouldn't be able to share that there is hope and you must live for it. I wouldn't have been able to whisper GOD's name as she passed by me in her wheel chair to fresh from birth to walk. Holding her promise, he was beautiful by the way, wide eyed so overwhelmed with the fierceness of now. I have been there...
Hours on end I would spend at his bedside in the unit and wonder when I would be on the other side. I wouldn't accept the prognosis that he probably wouldn't make it. Not my son..He will live. Not because I willed it but because The Most High declared it. I know what is in front of those moms.
The uncertainty. The fear. The intimidation. But still they, we go on. We have to regardless of the outcome. We can't quit.
Fast-forward we are almost 5 weeks post transplant. I still can't believe how quickly things have progressed. How Nathan's life has changed yet again. How my life and the lives of his siblings have changed. I must admit that my adjustment has been slow. I am resistant to change...it frightens me.
This ride has been terrifying..a double nephrectomy, (2) catheter replacements and a kidney transplant. All since March of this year. Terrifying is no exaggeration. Just the thought of transplant would induce a mild panic attack. I don't know if it was because I had no control or I just didn't want him operated on again.
Still I see in my mind's eye a time that has passed. A mom standing alone by a crib..to proud to cry because it would extend too much energy. She must maintain all she can for the little one. I remember feeling so stretched I thought I would break..other things, (the home, sister and brother, husband), needed my attention. "I just can't ", I would cry out to the Lord, but I did..only because of His strength.
I am still trying to get my bearings. I am still wondering when my courage will return. But then Myles comes and hugs me and ask 'so how was your day' and I hear him and his brother laugh during their chipmunk chatter. I know I will get better. I just have to allow myself to be right now.
After all I am only human. So are we all.
Regards,
Souljourner
I wouldn't be able to sympathize or hold her while she allowed herself to be vulnerable..to a total stranger no less. I wouldn't be able to share that there is hope and you must live for it. I wouldn't have been able to whisper GOD's name as she passed by me in her wheel chair to fresh from birth to walk. Holding her promise, he was beautiful by the way, wide eyed so overwhelmed with the fierceness of now. I have been there...
Hours on end I would spend at his bedside in the unit and wonder when I would be on the other side. I wouldn't accept the prognosis that he probably wouldn't make it. Not my son..He will live. Not because I willed it but because The Most High declared it. I know what is in front of those moms.
The uncertainty. The fear. The intimidation. But still they, we go on. We have to regardless of the outcome. We can't quit.
Fast-forward we are almost 5 weeks post transplant. I still can't believe how quickly things have progressed. How Nathan's life has changed yet again. How my life and the lives of his siblings have changed. I must admit that my adjustment has been slow. I am resistant to change...it frightens me.
This ride has been terrifying..a double nephrectomy, (2) catheter replacements and a kidney transplant. All since March of this year. Terrifying is no exaggeration. Just the thought of transplant would induce a mild panic attack. I don't know if it was because I had no control or I just didn't want him operated on again.
Still I see in my mind's eye a time that has passed. A mom standing alone by a crib..to proud to cry because it would extend too much energy. She must maintain all she can for the little one. I remember feeling so stretched I thought I would break..other things, (the home, sister and brother, husband), needed my attention. "I just can't ", I would cry out to the Lord, but I did..only because of His strength.
I am still trying to get my bearings. I am still wondering when my courage will return. But then Myles comes and hugs me and ask 'so how was your day' and I hear him and his brother laugh during their chipmunk chatter. I know I will get better. I just have to allow myself to be right now.
After all I am only human. So are we all.
Regards,
Souljourner
Winter
The wind, crisp and strong
assaults my nostrils
the leaves are so loud underneath my feet
they insult the silence
a break in the paleness of winter
everything is gray
no life
no color
stark, barren and beautiful
smoke from nearby
warms my soul
re-affirms to me that I am alive
my pace remains the same
there is something beautiful about the sky
this season of dormancy
of rest
of renewal
hidden are its activities
but the fruit of spring sing of its faithfulness
it comforts me
assaults my nostrils
the leaves are so loud underneath my feet
they insult the silence
a break in the paleness of winter
everything is gray
no life
no color
stark, barren and beautiful
smoke from nearby
warms my soul
re-affirms to me that I am alive
my pace remains the same
there is something beautiful about the sky
this season of dormancy
of rest
of renewal
hidden are its activities
but the fruit of spring sing of its faithfulness
it comforts me
Friday, September 5, 2014
Spilled Milk
I never wanted a mini-van. The suburbs never held my interest and I most certainly didn't want to be anyone's housewife. Stay-at-home mom???!! Really? I am educated...I hold several degrees. I have been in the workforce since I was 12 years old.
But it means little to nothing when you look into the face of your child who is so very happy to see you waiting for him at the bus stop in the afternoon. Nor can you put a price on the security your husband feels knowing you are taking care of all of the intricate details required to run a home. He knows he can't do it...that is not where his strength is.
This is not the life I hoped for by any means. But it is the one I have.
I can choose to find beauty in the challenges of it or be crushed under the weight of disappointment. It doesn't change the fact that 2 of my 3 kids are autistic. Or that 2 of the 3 children have chronic medical conditions..one of them pretty severe.
What does change, however, is my perspective. I now understand that the power of choice that God has given me, (and each of us), has to be operated with God centered caution every day. I can't for one minute think that my power trumps the unknown or controls the outcome of any given situation. It simply gives me an opportunity to actively participate in the day God has given me.
We wanted babies. My husband wanted to be a father and was elated when I had cravings or when my belly was so round I couldn't fit behind the wheel of our car. He loved talking to the children when they were in the womb; he loved making them jump at the sound of his voice. We chose to become parents and asked GOD for the gift of life. We didn't know anything about learning disabilities, delays or anything of the sort. We do now but again our choice does not control our outcome.
We love our kids. We are saddened, sometimes, by the very real possibility that we won't have an empty nest or grandchildren from all of our brood. But it is okay. God says not to mess with secret things and the future is definitely a secret.
Despite his issues Myles rides the bus to and from school. He is not afraid to try and inner act with his peers. He understands where he is in his surroundings and is better than a G.P.S. when you need directions. Just tell him where you are trying to go and he can tell you how to get there.
Things like this make me say, "So what I didn't get what I wanted! I got what He knew I needed."
Trust Him to do the same for you.
Souljourner
But it means little to nothing when you look into the face of your child who is so very happy to see you waiting for him at the bus stop in the afternoon. Nor can you put a price on the security your husband feels knowing you are taking care of all of the intricate details required to run a home. He knows he can't do it...that is not where his strength is.
This is not the life I hoped for by any means. But it is the one I have.
I can choose to find beauty in the challenges of it or be crushed under the weight of disappointment. It doesn't change the fact that 2 of my 3 kids are autistic. Or that 2 of the 3 children have chronic medical conditions..one of them pretty severe.
What does change, however, is my perspective. I now understand that the power of choice that God has given me, (and each of us), has to be operated with God centered caution every day. I can't for one minute think that my power trumps the unknown or controls the outcome of any given situation. It simply gives me an opportunity to actively participate in the day God has given me.
We wanted babies. My husband wanted to be a father and was elated when I had cravings or when my belly was so round I couldn't fit behind the wheel of our car. He loved talking to the children when they were in the womb; he loved making them jump at the sound of his voice. We chose to become parents and asked GOD for the gift of life. We didn't know anything about learning disabilities, delays or anything of the sort. We do now but again our choice does not control our outcome.
We love our kids. We are saddened, sometimes, by the very real possibility that we won't have an empty nest or grandchildren from all of our brood. But it is okay. God says not to mess with secret things and the future is definitely a secret.
Despite his issues Myles rides the bus to and from school. He is not afraid to try and inner act with his peers. He understands where he is in his surroundings and is better than a G.P.S. when you need directions. Just tell him where you are trying to go and he can tell you how to get there.
Things like this make me say, "So what I didn't get what I wanted! I got what He knew I needed."
Trust Him to do the same for you.
Souljourner
Measured Breaths
Deep, slow and deliberate. Those are my breathes. I am almost counting them.
Today is the day. Transplant is scheduled within a few hours.
It is beyond me. I am trying to grasp the day. I am sitting in the garden on the roof of the hospital.
I don't want to panic. I know I have no control...
I am scared.
I love my son.
But You love him more.
I would withhold what is best for him. Just to spare him from the immediate pain.
He is in his room sleeping.
I have sought You out before the rest of the world is awake.
I need to hear You through the silence.
I need to feel Your presence.
I don't want to be here.
My GOD, Yahweh, My GOD...My GOD
Words scream in my head but my voice has no strength
Is there any other way?
Hold me, as only You can
The sun rises beautifully. The colors are an awesome expression of Your Majesty
The silence holds strength
I don't want to walk through this day
I don't want this day
That is my fear roaring
Be of good courage, I am with you
It's Your promise
I reflect
Lighter are my steps as I walk back to his room
Today is the day. Transplant is scheduled within a few hours.
It is beyond me. I am trying to grasp the day. I am sitting in the garden on the roof of the hospital.
I don't want to panic. I know I have no control...
I am scared.
I love my son.
But You love him more.
I would withhold what is best for him. Just to spare him from the immediate pain.
He is in his room sleeping.
I have sought You out before the rest of the world is awake.
I need to hear You through the silence.
I need to feel Your presence.
I don't want to be here.
My GOD, Yahweh, My GOD...My GOD
Words scream in my head but my voice has no strength
Is there any other way?
Hold me, as only You can
The sun rises beautifully. The colors are an awesome expression of Your Majesty
The silence holds strength
I don't want to walk through this day
I don't want this day
That is my fear roaring
Be of good courage, I am with you
It's Your promise
I reflect
Lighter are my steps as I walk back to his room
Here I am
Here I am..
Broken
Weak
Empty
I have poured out all of my strength
I have given till my last
Now I have nothing
But you say I do
My hands are feeble
Is my reply to Your promptings
I don't want to move
I can't go on from this place
Yes, yes you can
You whisper in my soul
I feel Your kisses in the wind
It surrounds me
Envelops me
Covers me
I will never leave you or forsake you
I remember
Slowly I move towards You
I am strengthen
I am strengthen
I feel Your warmth, once again
Broken
Weak
Empty
I have poured out all of my strength
I have given till my last
Now I have nothing
But you say I do
My hands are feeble
Is my reply to Your promptings
I don't want to move
I can't go on from this place
Yes, yes you can
You whisper in my soul
I feel Your kisses in the wind
It surrounds me
Envelops me
Covers me
I will never leave you or forsake you
I remember
Slowly I move towards You
I am strengthen
I am strengthen
I feel Your warmth, once again
A Learned Truth
Good Morning Friends,
It is morning for me but regardless of when you read this post...it's still good morning (smile). It's something about the first greeting of the day. It gives me grounding and fills me with the promise of a new day. It re-affirms for me that my Heavenly Father is still there waiting for me to greet Him and experience His love through out the day.
That thought alone gives me courage to get up and face the unknowns of the time I have been given. If you are anything like me I love to pre-plan. Why? So I can know what to expect ...how to be prepared and honestly how avoid any unpleasantries. Thankfully GOD in His ultimate wisdom knows what is best for me is frequently the last thing I want.
Really if I had foreknowledge then what would I need faith for? Why would I need to rely on Him? Why would I need to trust Him or even believe in Him? I would not. I would be my own god..completely backwards; living in a catch up mode.
Have you ever tried to walk backwards? It's unsafe, it's weird and it leaves you without the ability to marvel at what is in front of you. Not to mention how exactly are you supposed to move forward if you are always gazing at what is behind you?
So, as inconvenient as it is to me not to know all that will unfold in the single day that I have been given. It is necessary for me not to know. I am not infinite. I am not all powerful. I am not without my flaws. I can't run my world or anyone else's.
But I can trust and simply say Good Morning Lord. Thank you for this morning Father. I have now given my day and all of it's responsibilities, pitfalls, disappointments, joys and dangers to the One who can keep me as I go through it all.
Learned truths are like bought ones. Once you purchase it, it's yours.
Walk in Love and Truth
Souljourner
It is morning for me but regardless of when you read this post...it's still good morning (smile). It's something about the first greeting of the day. It gives me grounding and fills me with the promise of a new day. It re-affirms for me that my Heavenly Father is still there waiting for me to greet Him and experience His love through out the day.
That thought alone gives me courage to get up and face the unknowns of the time I have been given. If you are anything like me I love to pre-plan. Why? So I can know what to expect ...how to be prepared and honestly how avoid any unpleasantries. Thankfully GOD in His ultimate wisdom knows what is best for me is frequently the last thing I want.
Really if I had foreknowledge then what would I need faith for? Why would I need to rely on Him? Why would I need to trust Him or even believe in Him? I would not. I would be my own god..completely backwards; living in a catch up mode.
Have you ever tried to walk backwards? It's unsafe, it's weird and it leaves you without the ability to marvel at what is in front of you. Not to mention how exactly are you supposed to move forward if you are always gazing at what is behind you?
So, as inconvenient as it is to me not to know all that will unfold in the single day that I have been given. It is necessary for me not to know. I am not infinite. I am not all powerful. I am not without my flaws. I can't run my world or anyone else's.
But I can trust and simply say Good Morning Lord. Thank you for this morning Father. I have now given my day and all of it's responsibilities, pitfalls, disappointments, joys and dangers to the One who can keep me as I go through it all.
Learned truths are like bought ones. Once you purchase it, it's yours.
Walk in Love and Truth
Souljourner
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