JUST SAY....YES

26+ years ago, a note, wrapped up in a few dollar bills, was passed to me at one of my then favorite restaurants, the Pasta House Company in St. Louis. I thought the request odd, but really didn't give it much thought and continued with my dinner. My companion and I laughed, talked, observed like people do when they are in love. 

As time went on, I began to get fidgety because I just knew there was going to be a proposal by the end of the night. My companion, friend, boyfriend and soon to be husband had me pegged! He knew how insatiable my curiosity could be; how impatient I was and how I lived on everything matching 'my' expectations. He smiled. Toying around like a cat playing with his food. By the end of our meal I was puzzled, under -whelmed and ready to go home. My mother was babysitting our daughter and there was a strict timeline involved. By them time the cheque came, I wouldn't hold in my flustered thoughts, I asked "don't you have something to ask me"? His face split with that iconic grin of his, laughing gently he replies, "oh do you have that money I gave you?".  I reached into my purse about to hand it over to him and he said, "no..open it." I did and inside the folded money was a note that read, ' just say yes'. I raised my eyes to meet his and he had a ring on his pinky finger. 

Wow. I almost forgot how cool that was! Hunny, if you ever read this, I am officially stating you did a GREAT JOB!! The proposal was unique and surprising even though it was expected. All these years later, I still smile at the memory. What is the point Souljourner? 

It puts to mind this scripture (don't wince..you knew it was coming) "Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us" (Eph. 3:20 KJV). I may have expected the ask, however I didn't know how it would be delivered, the time or the place. That is my point. I only had to say "Yes". God in His infinite wisdom worked out the rest!

Now fast forward: three boys added to our union; two with distinct needs one deceased; a myriad of health & financial challenges; lots of laughter and equal amounts of tears and here we are. Standing firm under the Wings of the Most High (Psalm 91). 

I am still recovering from Stage 2 breast cancer, I am navigating fatigue, memory fog, side effects of chemo and the choice of health over employment. One would think that would be enough. Then in August we were informed that our youngest son was in rejection of his transplanted organ. I was devasted. I cried out to GOD and asked Lord??? Now??? Father please don't allow this.  The next six weeks were filled with hospital stays, medication changes, diet restrictions, exhaustion, and more questions than answers. As it stands, the medical team in charge of our son's care has submitted an application for organ transplant. I am without words. 

Our son, no longer the vibrant little guy that underwent this massive procedure at 10, expressed thoughts of self harm. Again, I am without words. We are so blessed to be able to have access to mental wellness help. He has a lot of professionals looking at him, his family encouraging him, his faith sustaining him. His depression is real, but so is his GOD and with a combination of therapy and medications, I am confident we will be able to navigate these rough waters. 

Little did I know when the Lord was calling me to leave my post (employment), He was making the path straight and clear for me to serve in the highest honor motherhood! In this culture of life cancelling decisions or the minimalization of life I am proud to sacrifice for my kids and my family. There is no higher calling (thank you Melanie for pouring that into me). 

All I had to do was to say yes and trust in JEHOVAH GOD.  In Him I am sustained when I feel like I can't go on. In Him I am strengthened when I want to give up. In Him all of my needs are provided for.  My hurts, disappointments, questions, shock and disbelief. I can, I have and will continue to give all of those things to Him. Life is not easy, but because I said Yes to The Lord God, my destination is sure as we traverse this path. Our son's first appointment with a mental health professional is quickly approaching. I am optimisic that this will be a good fit for him. 

My expectations are placed where they always should have been. In the Lord. Where are yours? Once we give up the illusion of controlling things, situations, people, life, we can rest (an act of will) in God. Everyday, several times a day I must make the decision to do what I can and not lean over, putting my hands, in what only God can control. 

SJ