IN THE THICK OF IT.....
Greetings to all of my readers, new and those who have been around for awhile, welcome!
My apologies for the late entry, but I have been crazy busy navigating the newness of my normal. Let me share it with you.
Sj
When I look back over my adult life, I can see the hand of GOD moving me into a specific direction to maybe cross paths with someone that will affect me or them in a positive way. Sometimes, He will move my course to intersect with someone that will give me information, which will stir my creative desire, which will lead to a career change or an operations adjustment. No matter what it is, GOD controls all and will succeed in getting His desired outcome! My job is to line up and submit to His Flow...
Cancer has moved me to connect with some of the most outstanding people! It has opened up doors for conversation where there might not have been one. It has opened the compassion and kindheartedness of people that has surprised me. It has allowed me time to reflect on previous "course adjustments" God has presented and the outcomes of my obedience or disobedience. Cancer has caused me to pivot on my heels. Everything that I have previously known is out of the window. Nothing in my past treasures of victories could have prepared me for this. The loss of hair, nails, weight (okay, that last one isn't so bad). The constant specter of fatigue and slowed cognitive skills had me at a stand still. "This shouldn't be happening to me", I screamed in my mind. "I am active, I am social, I am fierce, I am creative and intelligent!". I am also resisting the changes the Lord wants to make.
Reader, you might be wondering, "what changes, you are battling cancer, surely He is not calling you to action?". Well, He is and has called on me to make some changes in the way that I think, process information and respond. He is calling for another "Course Adjustment". I have mentioned this term twice now let me explain it to you. This adjustment comes sometimes when we, GOD's children, are off track or when an assignment is over. It could come in the form of a layoff, sickness, loss or any other unexpected event. It requires those who are most involved to switch gears sort-of-speak. What I thought was going to be my determined path is not. I am becoming more and more open to that fact, but not without intrepidation or fear of the unknown. What comforts me is that I know the Lord is with me! So, all I need to do is put one foot in front of the other and continue walking (following) Him, holding His hand as He leads me (blind to what is awaiting me) on the route He wants me to take. Easy, right?
No! I have been struggling with depression because of my new chemo induced limitations. With the not knowing what my immediate future holds and unclear which road I need to take with my career. I don't have any answers. Just a lot of unknowns. I feel like GOD has went radio silent on me and I am fumbling in the dark. I can't tell you Reader, how many times I have wanted to give up; bury my headi in the sand or just curl up in a fetal position in the corner. GOD the creator of Heaven and Earth would not let me. Instead He called me back to study His character of being good, wise, holy, loving, omnipotent, mighty, full of joy and peace towards me. He reminded me how He, not I, fight my battles and is undefeated. How, if I am not getting my answers its because I am not asking the right questions. That clears everything up...not really, but I had a starting point and that was to refamiliarize myself with ABBA Father.
As I studied, read, listened to reliable teachers of the Bible, I have come away with this conclusion: ABBA is addressing my resistance to change and stretching my faith so that I will trust Him even more! When my kids were smaller and still in car seats, I would pack a diaper bag with supplies put on their coats and head out the door. The only thing that I would tell them was that it was time to go bye, bye. Out the door we went, no questions, no fussing, just blind trust. Why? because they had confidence in their Mom that she wouldn't lead them to hurt, that they would be cared for and loved on. That was all they needed! Of course they are way older now and I understand that they need to know certain elements before we leave the house. It's always better when I can give them a little advanced notice so they can prepare for our outing. Not that they know everything we are going to do but they have enough familiarity with our routine to know, this is good and this has a purpose. Now translate that to me and my walk with GOD. I definitely feel like I am in the passenger seat and I am not really sure where we are going, but I am secure in knowing He will be with me no matter what. That is what I have and that has to be enough! The Lord is challenging my "need to know" and replacing it with child-like faith. A concept that is really hard for me but necessary for foundational growth. He knows I need Him. I can't do anything without Him, but how much do I trust Him to make changes to my current landscape? How much would you?
Reader I find comfort in Psalm 23 the beautiful song of King David. Here God is described as a loving shepherd who watches over His flock, caring for each individual sheep's needs. Clearly He has established a rapport with His charges that reflects one of guidance, unmerited love and favor, grace and correction. As He has done for King David, He has done for me. His word reminds me that the Lord's rod and staff (protection and guidance) comforts me and He gives me what I need. He equips me for His purposes and protects me. What else do I need? Nothing that He hasn't already provided. Now, I can rest easy, because He has ALL things concerning me under His watchful eyes. Depression and cloudiness has been replaced with joy knowing His direction will be clear when it needs to be. I can enjoy my journey despite the physical challenges because He is with me! In His presence is indescribable joy. I am secure in His arms.
My chemo infusions are almost at an end and I am thankful for that. I still have a ways to go in completing my treatment plan, but I no longer walk with dread but with confidence. I know the Lord has much more in store for me and I am preparing to embrace whatever it is!
Sj
Scriptures: Psalm 23/Romans 8:28/Galatians 2:20/Lamentations 3:23
