GET READY GET SET, AND FIGHT!

 https://youtu.be/tB2zorqPpNY

GET READY GET SET AND FIGHT!

YOU TUBE POST

 THE DAY OF TROUBLE: Reflection

Many of us have thought of like the worst case scenario of any given situation, right? I'm sure I'm not alone when I think of well, if it works out like this then that would be the best case scenario, but if it works out like that, well you get my point.

Family, I have been absent for a while, and that usually comes with some reflection, presentation of challenge or challenges, frame of thought and a soon blessing. This entry is no different! I will catalog from August of 24 till March of 25 all that has happened. I love to share the good the bad and the ugly, because that is what keeps us honest, makes us stronger and more resilient and, in my opinion, more relatable. 

Ready? Let's begin.

Reflection of  Recent events (Time Line)

August - Phoenix Arizona (Bucket List Item Fufilled) Wonderful, refreshing visit with my sisters. Full of reconnection and much needed relationship re-establishment on our terms. 

September - Back to the Grind *Not feeling myself / School year has started, yet I don't see myself completing the year. Hmmm, "What's Going on Lord"? Child I need you to trust me, I'm doing something new.

October -  It is now apparent I'm not myself. Drug like fatigue sets in daily/Anthony caught the super flu or whatever, and was down for 3 weeks. Once on the mend he concluded he needed to get out of the brutal field of apartment maintenance./3 year old van was finally looking to be paid off and it bit the dust, so that meant additional debt to go with less income. The Lord was impressing upon me to trust Him as He was doing a New Thing! (Isaiah 43:19); However, it will be long and it will be hard on you. I responded with my usual flair "Aww Man, really Lord??" Life was like good, except for the nagging fatigue. 

November- Anthony officially retired and started canvasing for work, hadn't had to fill out an application in years. Finally settled on 2 part-time positions as a temporary fix while he adjusted to being out of the maintenance field (20 years). Then "IT" appeared. Early one morning, because your bladder gets younger while you get older, I felt a stabbing pain. I investigated it and dismissed what I thought it was. I verified it the next day and with the urging of my husband and reluctantly,  I moved to the next step which involved contacting the necessary professionals. Then the holidays were upon us and I moved on with the "IT" shadowing every thought. It didn't stop me from having  a great old fashioned thanksgiving for the family! This is the only holiday were nothing but traditional soul food is cooked! Scales are hidden until January, its worth every calorie.

December - Began with wrestling with my first adult Christmas, no more Black Friday sales or things to put together, well almost, and I was feeling the pull of the past when the kids would get up and tear through presents and we watched movies and played with new stuff! With time comes change, nothing in our world stays the same for long. Kind of an understatement but true. By the 2nd of December I found myself at an imaging appointment. I arrived late, dreading the outcome. I entered and because I was fashionably late I was told I would have to reschedule. I had missed my necessary prep time. I was already feeling some type of way and begrudgingly waited for the schedular who was much nicer than the front desk receptionist. As I am pouting and tearing up, mad at myself for being so afraid, mad at the lack of compassion when I entered, here comes the most cheerful schedular! She is bubbly, pinched red cheeks, brown hair, and a beautiful smile! She saw my look of desperation behind my mask of annoyance and said, let me go talk to the back, you were not that late. GOD'S PROVIDENCE had showed up. Reader, if you are not familiar with the Providence of God, I would invite you to familiarize yourself with it. Whether you are a Christian or practice some other type of religion. Its worth the read. Follow the Links: The Providence of God / Study -PDF /Definition of the Providence of God . 

Moving on, the schedular ushered me into the back and I was hurried into a room with lockers, instructed to put on a robe and wait my turn. In those waiting room moments, I was determined to look for an opportunity to be a joyful witness for Christ, despite wanting to bust out in tears. I knew something was wrong with me and had been for several months. Today might be the day that God answers the question I asked back in September & October, "Lord, what are you up to?" The first examination went well, I supposed. I was no worse for the wear, nor any more enlightened as to why the Lord had me at this place. What was about to be revealed I wonder? Clearly, I would have some more insight on this challenged my beloved Jesus has set before me. "Mrs. Howard", the tech snapped me out of my thoughts and lovely conversation I had struck up with 2 other participants (unwilling, I'm sure) of the waiting room. I smiled politely, bid the ladies happy holidays and followed the tech. She was a woman of color, probably not to far from my age, so I knew we had some commonalities we could share. She set up her ultrasound we had meaningful small talk and then the examination began. She placed the wand under my right breast, after verifying where the "IT" was and squared up with the lump, which by now had grown tender to the touch. When I saw the screen, it took my breath away and immediately started tearing up...I knew what it was. That beastly shadow, ominously showed its ugly head. I knew before anything was confirmed it was Breast Cancer. I had to swallow hard the lump in my throat. I was sick, feeling cold, and calling out on Jesus in my head. The tech politely excused herself, followed her protocol, and after a few pictures, and re-emerged with the doctor. An elderly gentleman, who told me I would need a biopsy because he couldn't tell me enough about what he saw. I thought to my self, you don't have to. I know what it is. I left the imaging center feeling exposed, knowing I needed to call Anthony, but not before I got myself together. As women do, I called my girlfriend who was in closest proximity to me and asked her could I come over. Of course she wasn't at home and was with her husband, but they agreed to meet me at the nearest Starbucks. We arrived, kind of around the same time, ordered and I broke clean down. I told them about my morning, what had been found, what I suspected and how am I going to tell Anthony? Christmas music played all around me, the decor of the season shined so bright, it was December 4th and I knew my life was about to be very different. Fast forward my girlfriend's husband offered to call Anthony, I told him no, but thank you. This he needed to hear from me.  Later, that night as we recapped our day, I explained what had happened and the results were inconclusive and I would need a biopsy. He said okay, just tell me when and I will be there. The best piece of advise I had received from Joe Reap (my girlfriends husband) was "don't live in the future, live for today, tomorrow will be there, but you live in the now". Thank you Joe for the coffee and the prayer and the vulnerability you allowed me to show. Biopsy was the day after Christmas, then I got the flu and now I'm in January..

January- Anthony and I show up, on time, for my biopsy. Technology sometime is the weirdest thing.. they take a gun that has like a bazillion needles that grab tissue samples while you watch. WOW, I was terrified and fascinated at the same time. The technician was gritty and amazing! I don't think that woman could lie if her life depended on it. Enter the head of radiology in the cancer unit (I think) and she looked like Wonder Woman (Linda Carter's) grand daughter! Bright blue eyes, raven colored hair, what? Reader, I respect a woman of position and authority who doesn't sacrifice her femininity! She is solid in who she is and doesn't need to act like she is one of the boys! She was beautiful with her high heel boots and deep pink blouse and long black skirt! Go Queen! Again, pleasantries were exchanged, we laughed and I was very entertained by her and the tech, who had been working together for 12 years (I think), they talked about each others kids, family, holiday plans like work bff's. The examine was painful, very uncomfortable and the gun sounded like a pop-gun from back in the day. She bandaged me up, went to her work table, followed by the tech. About 10 minutes later she came back and held my hand. My tears were flowing like a broken dam. She explained she didn't like the results and is in the process of assembling my team, so give her a few minutes. The tech replaced her and talked about the people she was getting on board and how good they were with their bedside manner. I could hear the doctor calling people on their cell phone asking when were they going to be available because she needed them to take my case. Tuesday. Wow, I would have to wait till next Tuesday, but it was okay, it would give me time to pray on how to talk to my family, to talk with Anthony. Tuesday was cool and like that I was getting dressed and out to meet Anthony in the waiting room. He was not waiting until we got to the car. "Well, your all done, what did they say?", he questioned in that deep baritone voice of his, I replied, "hunny, they are 99% positive its breast cancer, but we will have to wait till Tuesday to find out the official results, because the surgeon will be available." His eyes glassed over, he stared at me, I assured him we will get through this. The drive home was like weird. Reminded me of when our son Elan died. All of our hopes for our family, crushed in a single day, the future was uncertain, grief had yet to set in, and life wouldn't allow you to wait. We held hands and went home. 

I got sick with the flu and was at urgent care the next day, Tamiflu on board and spent from Thursday till Tuesday in the bed. Tuesday was the day of confirmation. "I'm sorry to tell you this Mrs. Howard but you have an aggressive form of breast cancer. Can I pray for you?". The attending physician's words sang to my soul, YES I exclaimed!! please do! Reader, again if you have not at least read the definition of the providence of God go back and do so! At that moment I was relieved at this simple confirmation: Daughter, I have this under my control, remember I said to trust me. I was like Yes, Lord I remember, and I also remember crying uncontrollably after you said that explaining that I didn't want to do this, but not my will but YOUR will be done!! 

Next, we met with the surgeon who explained her plan of treatment and scheduled my port to be installed. By Thursday, I was having surgery and a couple of weeks later my first chemo treatment started. WHEW! 

Reader, I will let you digest all that I have told you here with a quick wrap up. YAHWEH, the GOD of the Jewish people, whom I serve, knows everything. He was not caught by surprise. He is bigger than everything and doesn't waste our pain. If you don't know Him, well you will by the time I finish all of these entries. Then the choice is up to you whether or not to accept Him, by believing He is who he says He is and will do what He says He will. I will leave you with my one of my favorite verses, Romans 8:28 , why this one? It plainly spells out that as a follower of Jesus Christ, we are not immune from pain, disappointment, emotional hurt or devasting circumstances. It simply reminds us that our Father God is in control and has a point for what we are going thru. That He hasn't left us as an orphan with no provision or protection or plan of purpose. Until next time! 

Souljourner

Wisdom Pearl

 2024 Phoenix Arizona

If you ask God to help you see your life as He sees it, then you will see that your thread is a single line of beauty placed with purpose in His tapestry of love!

#youwereworthit!

John 3:16

Sj

THE GOOD FIGHT

 TURN BACK!

An honest look at the state of our youth as, we (our nation), continue to proliferate a godless culture. 

SJ

THE GOOD FIGHT

 SWEET & TENDER, GRACE IS TO ME..

Hello Reader, 

Today I would like to share a lesson about grace! 

Per Merriam Webster Dictionary, Grace is:  Favor; good will; kindness; disposition to oblige another; as a grant made as an act of grace. Grace

I am in the middle of my life. I can neither go back and don't know how long I will move forward. So far, all of my children have graduated from High School; One has completed college and one is chasing it; and one has completed his certificate through a school designed to serve Autistic or Neurodivergent adults. 

My husband is looking to retire soon out of his field and I am asking myself, "Ok, what's next". After two years of asking I still don't have an answer. Most likely due to me not sitting still long enough for YAHWEH to answer me. I know HE has all of the answers, but if I am honest, sometimes I am leery of what the possible outcomes may be. Experience has shown me that the quicker I press into GOD the quicker I can be at peace with whatever HE decides.

Recently, one of our elder children decided to return to the nest and we were ecstatic about it. This particular child lived on the other side of the country and we didn't get to see her much. Sure, we talked and video chatted, but that was only a substitute for the real thing. We welcomed her, made space for her and decided to settle in until the Lord revealed what was next. The driver behind Ms. Independent (how I will refer to her moving forward) was her health. I think it was in 2017 where she suffered a serious bout of sickness which called for heavy medical intervention. However, before she was healed good, she was on a plane out to Seattle for a job interview (she had just graduated college with her degree in Business). She left in May of 2018 and by December 2018 Mr. Howard suffered a major heart-attack/stroke. I was devasted. I was angry. I was confused. 

Fast forward when Ms. Independent shared that her position was very stressful and her health was diminishing, we knew the best scenario was for her to return to the nest for a time. At first all was coming up ice-cream and sunshine. Then, she met someone, who was kind to her. He was/is caring and has some good qualities. However, this young man Mr. dependent is in need of serious help that is above her pay grade and ours. Soon strife ensued. Courtesy was out of the window. Honoring us as parents and helpers was lost. It was replaced with demands for us to stay out of her life, stop micro-managing her, who cares who she dates its her life and of course I AM AN ADULT! 

An adult who is in their parent's home, just like Mr. dependent. They are not an equal match. Matter of fact he fits in a pattern with a long history of pursuing tainted water from broken cisterns. Ms. Independent was a challenge as soon as puberty hit and has not stopped. Very me-centered like most of her generation. She does, however, have an excellent work ethic (proof that we taught her something). From February to July they have decided, like many of todays couples, to co-habitat despite the lack of full time employment or the desire for it (by one party). WHAT????? 

Where is GOD? No where; she has walked away from Him and put her desires first. Side note: Trust God to chose your mate while trusting that you can't. He knows infinitely more. 

Now, where does Grace fit in? Glad you asked! As I watch my prodigal live out her rebellion in front of me, I am grieved and disappointed. I have had to mourn my expectations for a beautiful mother/daughter relationship. I have come to accept the fact that she is walking in darkness. A enemy of the Cross. Thank God the story doesn't in there! Despite the shades of my past indiscretions, bad judgements and overall commitment to failure, washing over me with every argument we have.  I am humbled by the fact that GOD sent Jesus (His Son) to die for me while I was still a sinner walking in darkness..I was also an enemy of the Cross.(Rom. 5:9-11)

I am brought to my knees with new appreciation of GOD'S perfect and willing sacrifice that He prepared, sent and resurrected on my behalf even though my sins nailed Him to the Cross. I reflect in awe the Love that Christ has for humanity as we spit on Him, reject His ways, constantly fall short even when we come to the realization that there is NO LIFE without HIM! All He asks is that we acknowledge Him as the Risen Savior and repent of our sins. All of the brutality He suffered while I committed acts of fornication, greed, theft, pride, rebellion, lust..... He knew that Mr. Howard and I would come to Him. Fully surrendering and trying our best to guide our children to accept that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. In Him is the Truth of all things and the Life of Heaven. He is God in human form. (John 14:6)

As I weep, pray, weep and make a stand for what is and is not accepted in our house I take comfort knowing that Ms. Independent is where she needs to be...right where her rebellion will meet overwhelming consequences that will lead her to GOD. Our job as her parents are filled to a point. We are only stewards of her life, not the owner or creator or it. 

While I am not looking forward to the process that will yield humility, in this proud little sheep, I am excited to see how different her life will look if she opens herself to GOD. In the meantime, I get to continue to thank YAHWEH for his sweet and tender grace that He has and continues to give me. I (with wisdom) will continue to apply to our prodigal. Loving her until she comes to the Truth of Jesus as the only Way, and Life. Not giving ground or neglecting the Principles of the Gospel as we (her parents) are determined to present lives full of the HOLY SPIRIT in front of her and Mr. dependent.

Sj

Don't give up!

Pray them through, remembering someone had to pray for you

 WISDOM PEARL:

KNOWLEDGE without Wisdom leans to Evil

Knowledge without LOVE leads to destruction

Knowledge + Wisdom+ Love = Productive Balance 

All Wisdom and Knowledge comes from GOD

sj

REST TO RISE

 REST TO RISE

Hey Family!

I can't believe we are six months into 2024 and you have not heard from me! Good Grief! That means I have been way too busy, pre-occupied or just simply lacked the desire to capture my thoughts.

None of which are good. 

Question: Have you ever just felt numb? Going thru a day only wanting to get to the end of it so you could hide away? Well if you have, then this post will resonate with you. 

As long as I can remember, I have spent my time chasing after the "next thing". That thing that promised to bring me happiness, fill the hole in my soul, the ache in my chest. Anything, that would finally satisfy the nameless void of emotions I felt, but couldn't describe. (Matt. 6:8) That search led me to lots of negative spaces, dank places and eventual idol worship. 

I ignored the One who loved my soul so much that HE gave up HIS place to save me; to show me love, to give me the identity of ownership that I didn't know I craved. He waited patiently me for me as I stumbled, fell, went the wrong way until finally, I came to the end of myself. 

Yes, I was despondent, depressed and lacked a clear view of what was supposed to be next. I spoke in detail on my Coffee Talk Podcast  Ep 5 about where I was and the uncertainty of where I was going. 

Well...here we are almost a year later and those feelings are still lingering. This time I recognize the gnawing as a cry for hunger. So, how do I fill it? Pressing in. The same thing I said in 2023, and I continue to stand on it. 

I know what it's like to chase after success like it was a river of gold, I just needed to plot a course: school, more school, work, more work, climb the ladder, buy a house in the suburbs, sit at the big table. Naw, that's not for me and I am all right with that now. 

God knows what we need before we even ask. Yes, I would like a house, but for right now my apartment in cozy fitting 5 souls under it; Would I like to have access to more money, sure, but what is more important to me is what will I do with it? I need to be sure I will look to be a blessing to someone else and not be a hoarder. Working is work, I wanna work, but not feel like I am working. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

I have found the secret to my success! What is it?? Walking in the flow of GOD! When I am in His flow, I don't want for nothing because He is my Shepherd (Psalm 23); When I am in His flow those feelings of hunger that once drove me to either destruction or misguided paths, are quieted, soothed if you will by His Word  (Psalm 119:105). My focus is no longer on trinkets that will rust, break, grow old, or fall into dis-repair. Those things have a place, but  not at the forefront of my life! Meaning the pursuit of material possessions or status shouldn't get all of my attention (heart); my energy (hands) or my love (head). That belongs to Christ and to Him alone. 

I want what He wants. I will trust the Lord until I die, was an old song we used to sing at Creve Coeur Baptist Church in St. Louis. Now, I can sing it with more conviction because I understand it a littler mo'betta. Wherever He leads, I will follow and that family is my definition of success. My peace is directly tied to the Prince of it. My counsel to tell me where and when I am going is wrapped up in Jesus. (Isaiah 9:6). 

Twenty-Four years of marriage is quickly approaching. All the kids are adults now. Autism is still surprising me by the discovery of new things. Sixteen years of being an educator is now behind me. I have alot in front of me and I am no longer afraid because the Lord's promises to be with me. So, I take courage (Joshua 1), and put one foot in front of the other. Confidentially following wherever He leads me. Will I ever stop asking the Lord," where are you leading me Father?" Only He knows, but I don't think I will. That is not my goal. My goal is to step when He says step, to obey when El Shaddai gives me a command because obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Sam 15:22). That is my definition of success. 

2024 has revealed some personal health challenges that are being addressed. Sometimes, I gotta rest, but trust it is only to rise, ready to go where He sends me!

Circling back to the original question at the beginning of the post I have found that when I am feeling numb, or despondent it is because I have lost sight of my center and my priorities are out of place. I need to return to my first love which is Christ. Today, I did (in between naps, Tylenol and ice) and the result was this blog entry. I rested, I pressed in and now I have risen to inspire you to recommit your focus on God, the Author and Finisher or your faith. (Heb. 12:2)

Sj