When I didn't possess my degrees or teaching licence the hope of better opportunities drove me forward. Once those goals were met the expectation of an immediate pay out kept me pushing forward. Now the reality of the type of sacrifices necessary to procure and maintain any type of position has brought me to a halt.
I am once again at an uncomfortable crossroad. It would take so much pressure off of Anthony if I could pitch in. I could feel like I was making a real contribution to our household. While still operating in some of my gifts. The issues that multi-taskers have. Reader you maybe thinking well what exactly is the problem? You know what works best for your house. Yes I do and that is mom being whole. Which is impossible when you are split in too many places.
I don't trust myself really. I have a very dogged personality. It is either all or none. I have tried with very little success to manage 'me' and I have gotten better but still not quite there yet. I am afraid that if I take on another responsibility then I won't write. Not writing isn't an option. But then again, maybe I am ready. Maybe I am so dedicated to developing this ministry that I wouldn't let anything deter me from getting whatever I needed to done. Maybe I am at a point in my life where I am so hungry for GOD that I could squash my selfish ambitions along with drowning the notion of helping GOD. He doesn't need my help to do anything. He is the GREAT I AM.
Maybe...I could juggle it, successfully. But I have not in the past. I give myself a vote of no confidence. I just am too afraid to fail..so I won't even try.
The cost of publishing keeps gnawing at me. The needs of the house are sometimes overwhelming. I am so confused that I can't hear GOD.
Earlier this morning, as I was tidying up around the house, I noticed a piece of scrap paper on the floor. It read: Habakkuk 3:19- The Lord God is my strength and He will make my feet like hinds feet and He will make me to walk upon mine high places.
For today I have the courage to wait and hear from the Lord. I will thank Him in advance for His Grace and Mercy should I awake tomorrow. But in the here and now I will forget about the pressure of wanting to be able to do more for myself. I will not give an audience to the nagging voice of failure or his cousin regret. Today I will purpose to stay in His Peace and be strengthen.
It is a sacrifice to continue on one income. Many would contend with me that it isn't wise. But I have been on this side before and made the wrong choice. I am tired of going around this mountain. I don't want to see days like this again. I know I have a lot of work to do and I don't want to be side-tracked by my own ambitions. No one can be a more effective enemy to me than me.
It's real out here. But I am so glad my circumstances, although they affect me greatly, don't define me. GOD has already declared that I am more than a Conqueror.
I take comfort in that.
-sj
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