It is Wednesday of week 10 in our dialysis regimen. So far Nathan has developed an allergy to the anti-clot medicine and is wreaking havoc on his nurse, doctor and mother's nerves. I am struggling big time today. My anxiety is threatening to take me over..I want to cry, yell and scream.
This would be the day that I wished I could fly; just so I could see the clouds, sun, the heavens. To feel the wind on my face..it's like a kiss from GOD. It grounds me! It reminds me that I am not alone. It gives me courage. All in just a few moments.
My apologies but I never shared what was bothering me. LIFE! This is just so overwhelming. I fear what I don't understand. I don't know the physiology of the my son or the complexity involved in treating him. I don't want to know why his treatment isn't working I want to know what we can do to fix it. And the treatment be successful.
He needs a transplant, his mother needs assurance. He needs love, understanding and the best care. His mother needs to be covered in the Wings of the Lord. Only GOD can relieve my anxieties, Only GOD can know my thoughts, my fears and my deepest thoughts. The ones that I shutter to even admit that I even thought that.
Is it a lack of faith to admit to GOD what He already knows. NO it isn't ..as I learned from a trusted Pastor's teachings..doubt says: 'I don't understand, I am afraid but trust YOU.' I needed to know this because amidst the machines beeping, the non-effective treatment plans, my tears..That GOD is in control of my day. That He has His hands on this family! That HE is bringing us into a greater awareness of Him. That though I fear, I still trust; because He is GOD and I believe every letter of His Word!
Logistics says we need to get to this expected end but don't know how it will happen. Faith says that GOD is a GOD of provision. He looks ahead and knows what I need and prepares me to receive it . Faith gives me the courage in the physical to face obstacles knowing that I already have the victory.
He sees me.
Genesis 16:13
Souljourner
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