Seasons! Pt. 2

Romans 8:28 says

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 

As I sit and pen this post my heart is breaking. My eyes are cloudy from the tears. I am so glad I am alone so I can cry out as much and as often as I need.  

Honestly, I don't understand where this rush of emotion is coming from. I can't detect that one thing that broke this camel's back. But, I know my heart has been trying to cry out, even in the weary hours of the night, when I was too unconscious to try and comprehend what was going on. Who wakes up with tears running down their face? I mean really, who does that?

With my best effort I had tried to stem the flow of this wave because I didn't understand it. For a creature of logic "the why" is crucial for my processing! Only when that is known can I fully accept, react or prepare for what is happening. Again, I am so happy I am alone. There is no one to hear me lament ( to mourn aloud : WAIL ).

Reader, I am hopeful that you have already familiarized yourself with the first part of Seasons. If not, please do. 

Anthony and I have been married for 23 years this year. In that time we have merged 2 families, buried a son, gained life long friends and had our share of ups/downs and all in between. We have been graced with 3 beautiful daughters, between the two of us, who are still trying to find their way. Not quite yet convinced that JESUS is the only way. Only one was raised with her brothers and thus experienced the pain of separation (death) so early, however, she was able to see two more brothers enter the world! With no fear she prophetically, boldly stated with confidence of a child, in her 9 -year old voice, "GOD said HE is giving me two more brothers and those I get to keep." They are thick as thieves! The promise of God was a sealed fact for her!

We have survived the threat of divorce, catastrophic disappointment, pain, and consequential acceptance of autism; We have weathered one income for a good many years as dictated by our American disability system which says ' because you chose not to abort your disabled child, we will make it so that our help comes with a very steep price'. Jehovah GOD allowed us to raise 3 children, 2 with special needs, on one income of less than $40k a year. Don't ever try to tell me JESUS doesn't exist because you will lose that argument! 

We have survived the trials that come from two people totally unprepared for the demands of traditional marriage; which, is an act of SERVICE! One has to die to oneself, not to be enslaved because true love doesn't enslave nor does it exalt itself over someone else, but works to achieve the proper balance that creates harmony in the home. 

Yet, now as I sit with Rick Pino playing in the back ground, I must confess that I have been doubting the Lord. I have been afraid of the future. I looked at it as a big piece of blackness like a hole that had no end. Smothering, full of malice and fear. I have been afraid of this moment because I don't know what comes after this. 

I have not trusted GOD and still struggle to do so. So, when I see a passage like Romans 8:28 I ask "how"? How is this good? I don't even know what is going on! I am overwhelmed because life won't give me a moment to breath. Or has it? The boys are off to camp. Daughter has moved out. I am working full time doing what I love! Equipping future generations to make good financial decisions! Anthony despite a heart attack and stroke in 2018, is at work and I am alone.  Just me and Jesus. 

This is all good, right? Then why am I crying out? Why is my heart so heavy? And what does this have to do with the scripture I quoted? 

My kids are adults in this ugly world our collective sin has created for them. Yet, they are thriving. They are independent thinkers; they are able to articulate their needs or find a safe space with a trusted adult; they can text me or their Dad and ask for help. The youngest, who had the most severe  health issues, now has a job! He plays the drums and is teaching himself the electric guitar! 

A different season is here, it is upon me. It doesn't care how unprepared I feel, how scared I am, how many questions I have or how much of a challenge it is to my faith. "FATHER, help me".  'I am hear' He replies, 're-read Romans 8: 28-31'. All things: the breakings' the challenges; the joys; the unknowns; the disappointments; the not yets; the corrections; the mistakes; the laughter; the sicknesses; the healthy times; the growing. ALL of it! It all works together for the good because I LOVE HIM!! Jesus, in His Holiness, knows I need this time to mourn whatever I thought our life was supposed to be;  whatever I thought it was going to be! It's time to let go of my expectations and accept that GOD's will is good even though it sometimes will be tough to follow, or that it will hurt, or cause discomfort. That it will cause Anthony and I to stretch beyond our comfort zone. 

Reader, I can tell you that we have measured the cost and found that Jesus, the Son of the Only Living GOD is worth following! The blessings of obedience outlined in Deuteronomy 28 are worth the pursuit of GOD and submitting to HIS Will above our own!  My mourning, is an act of surrender. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't have to know in order to trust Him. That's faith. Hardcore, undiluted, honest and naked. For sure, I will be better for it because He said ALL things work together for my good and His Will is good therefore all things will be good. 

There will still be funerals to attend, prayers for intervention to be prayed, conversations admitting my lack of understanding or agreement. But, in the end I know, I have this assurance, that all of it will work together in creating a beautiful tapestry of my life, lived in faith to The One who holds me. 

What Season are you in?

Sj

Sources Used:

“Deuteronomy 4 NIV - - Bible Gateway.” Www.biblegateway.com, www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%204&version=NIV.

‌ “Definition of LAMENT.” Www.merriam-Webster.com, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lament.

“Rick Pino - the Altar Sessions (Volume 1) [Live Full Album].” Www.youtube.com, www.youtube.com/live/FRMOr9uk1Fw?feature=share. Accessed 10 Aug. 2023.

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