Real is my Struggle

It looks like snow

Its cold the sky is streaked with different shades of grey

Muted purples

Distant whites

I wonder what is beyond the clouds?

How bright does the sun shine

Could its warmth

Lift me

Could it remind me

Of why I breathe

I don't want to be Mom today

I don't want to be a Nurse

The Accountant, Travel Coordinator

I don't want to be Chef

I don't want to hear the beep of a machine

That says your pressure is high

I don't want to have to measure your input

Or output

I want to lay across my bed

I want to give in to my grief

I don't want to fight today

I just want to forget my name

.....I can't

I am what I am

I am a Mom

And my love knows no bounds

Emotions are not my chains

Slowly I rise

But I rise

That is all that matters

I need some strength today

Give me a hug

Jesus, help me  I whisper

I feel a breeze on my face

I am He reminds me

It's okay He assures me

I made you who you are

Trust Me to be All you need Me to Be

Because I am

I smile

I feel my strength return

Steadily I enter the kitchen..dinner will be ready in a minute

-sj

Wanted you to know

Since month 3

We knew you were different

That didn't stop us from wanting you

You have challenged us

Changed us,

We can never go back

We don't even want to

Who knew less than 8lbs could cause such a disruption

Who knew that your cry would stir the fight in our hearts

Its been tough

Often we wonder what it would be like

If you were normal

If you talked and thought like others around you

What is normal?

We think you are

You set your own stage

Your music is your own

Just when it looks like we may get a breather

Well they just don't last that long

That's okay

Your hugs are payment enough

Your excitement has more charge than a power plant

We carry your burden together

You are not nor will ever be alone

We stand with you

As long as we can...lifetimes are funny things

-sj

Trouble

Round and full is your face

Life flows all around it

So pretty, so brown, so perfect

Eyes so deep with love

I get lost in them each and every time

One little dimple on the left cheek

Guess you didn't need two

You are perfect

Your smile breaks the most frigid of days

Your laughter fuels my soul

Mother you call me

Preserver of my strength is what I call you

Trouble is how your dad colors you

But he says it with your smile

So proud

So blessed

We are yours and you are ours

Beautiful is all of the gifts that make you

Our Son
Our little boy

-sj

Save for Faith

Today was a day filled with lots of news. Some made me feel good, some indifferent and some challenged me to remember to breathe.

As I continue to travel life's many bends twists and turns, I am reminded that nothing is ever guaranteed or permanent or stable. Save for faith.

Faith says that no matter how grim it looks it will get better.
Faith reassures me that if one door closes, (and a really big one did today), then it is okay. There is something better for you on the horizon.
Faith says that even though the fruit of your good actions may never be seen by your eyes, who needs to see it will.
Faith says that when the day comes that you feel powerless and defeated; you are still a victor.

Faith reminds me to love when I don't want to.
To give when I don't have.
And share compassion when I want to cry.

Nothing stays the same for long
Even troubles have boundaries

That is what strengthens me
That is what propels me
To keep moving one step in front of the other
Until I hear, "well done, My good and faithful servant".

Faith - the most tangible of love's expressions

-sj

Just saying...

Do you sometimes wonder exactly how far away is the dawn?

SJ

Bought Lessons..Teaser

Bought Lessons: Expected Release, 2015

Possibilities & Expectations

In my opinion one of the greatest assets, of a female, is the ability to fall in love with possibility. Possibility allows us to color our future with as many colorfully brilliant scenarios that we can imagine. We are not hindered by the reality that we don’t know what the future holds but as long as it fits into one of the schemes of our planning then we are o.k. with moving forward. Don’t think that is true? Ok, well let me ask you a question. Did you marry your husband for everything he was at the time you were dating? Or did you think he would make a good father, or you two would make a good team or anything else that had not yet manifested itself in the present? I figured as much then you married the possibility. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with possibility, it is quite healthy actually if it is used within the correct context. Possibility, or the hope that things will turn out this way or that, can be used to fuel creativity, step out of one’s normal zone of operations or just give off enough of a positive vibe to move one into the right direction.  For instance if I have the pleasure of visiting a restaurant with an extensive list of healthy food choices, I will use the possibility that something new will may give me a fantastic food experience. That would be enough for me to muster up the courage to try something normally out of my comfort zone. Its ok if the experience didn't live up to my possibility because I still achieved one of my two goals…I got out of my comfort zone.

Now when possibilities turn into expectations that is when it gets dangerous. Because there is nowhere that we can point to and say I expected this and didn’t get it and receive some type of ‘life-credit’.  Um yeah, that would be a no. Further unchecked failed expecting can lead to bitterness, anger, depression and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. 

Life Is...Choice is..Love Always Is

Life Is...Choice is..Love Always Is

Choice is not freedom

But it is freeing to be able to make a choice

Choice does not undo past decisions

But it can help move progress forward

Choice will not erase the harm of rejection

Or the fear of the future

It will not feed, nor clothe

But it can lead you down a path of love

That you will never regret being on

-sj

Truth

Really?

Why are you so against boundaries

Why do you bristle at instruction

Why do you hate anything that is light

I am starting to think no at this point 

I believe you don't want the best for 

Womankind

You are not even interested in providing a life line

For your sister, your co-worker, your wife, your friend

Love should make you say enough is enough

Love should make you want to issue correction

Love should make you want her to do better

Love is the only choice that should be considered

Love is what that child is..if she is allowed to be

Love should lift up the creation

Not choose to tear it down

Love stayed on the cross 

So you wouldn't have to

But you reject it...just like you do the life that is hidden in you

Are you sure you want love?

Do you know love?

-sj

A cheetah can't change its spots and a tiger can't change its stripes

Happy New Year Friends and Family!

The other day I was browsing my Facebook page and noticed an article about abortion. I think it was a debate regarding the term limits set on legally being able to terminate a pregnancy. Whether the top of the 2nd trimester or beyond.

As I read the article and a few of the 1000's of comments that followed after it...I wondered if this is what Roe vs Wade intended when they fought for a woman's right to chose? Further is it really a choice if the woman has not changed her mindset that lead to the behavior which created the unwanted pregnancy in the first place? If not then she really, in my opinion, has not bettered herself but committed to a way of living that does not profit her but instead enslaves her.

There is so much birth control that is available in the U.S. that it is hard to believe that anyone, (with the exception of rape in any form), could produce something so beautiful yet unwanted. Many of the young ladies in my daughter's generation are choosing to have their babies despite them being made out of wed-lock. I think it is commendable because with struggle comes success.

It is my hope as we throw around the word 'choice' as if the very word justifies our acts, that we responsibly consider the phases before that choice is considered. There was choice then too. I am speaking about before a young woman decided to engage in sexual activity with a young man that she had no intentions of having a baby for. I am speaking of the women who decide to have multiple abortions without changing their lifestyle so they could avoid such situations later. I am speaking of the women who have no self-worth and were only willing to go thru with the pregnancy as a means to end of catching the man.

Does the choice to terminate change their mode of operations? Does it help them to make better decisions? Does it help them to value themselves to the point of practicing abstinence? Does it encourage them to wait on their mate because they are both worth it? Does it reinforce the fact that our bodies are to be prized and wondered..not given away at the first hot flush?

Does it really take a woman 20 weeks to decide? One can feel the babies movement by then.

I would argue that no it does not. I would further suggest that if the same woman finds herself in the same situation over and over again..then 'choice' is not helping her because she has not been taught how to use it.

Teach your daughter how to love herself, how to forgive herself, how to move on from poor decisions and to make it a point not to continue on a path of self destruction. Remind her that with choice comes responsibility.

Lastly walk in front of her with a sense of self worth and compassion..she will need it to help anchor her.

-SJ